I miss who I thought was my best friend.

I feel really rough. I have a headache because I had some alcohol tonight. I also started my monthly so I feel like crap physically anyway. I have my hair appointment tomorrow to lighten my hair. The aches I had in my body have come back. I am fed up of being used and discarded when I think that I have a best friend. Others have no idea how it feels… best friend equals favourite person when someone has BPD and all that pain is intensified with my autism side. I still feel things due to my intuitive side. It is like living in hell when all there is left between me and another is silence. Silence treatment is the most hurtful thing for someone like myself. I gave it my all and more … just to get ditched for doing one stupid thing. I can’t take it back. I have been made to suffer enough. Therefore, I have more than paid for what I did. I never did anything in malice. I did what I did due to being socially naïve thinking that I can fix the lives of others easily. Stupidity doesn’t make me deserving of being ditched as a friend. I am suffering mentally, even when I stubbornly try to make myself move on. It doesn’t seem to be a choice. If they walked away as easily as they did it means the friendship meant nothing to them and they don’t care about my feelings or me at all. They meant something to me. That is why I can’t stop hurting and it’s completely affecting my personality. I just don’t want to feel anything anymore. I wish that I could be numbed 24/7. I don’t like being used which is now obvious to what it was after they treated me like this. The confidence that I gained while we were becoming friends has now gone. I am an empty shell that has no proper identity like I used to be.

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