I am still awake at 6am which wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to be up in a few hours. I just can’t settle at night. I have too much in my head right now. I am exhausted but going through a lot of self hatred completely battering myself emotionally for things that happened. Some of it is purely selfish. I was angry at myself for losing a friendship by being honest about what I had done behind their back. Then thinking that I shouldn’t have been honest to keep the friendship that meant a lot to me. Whichever way around, I am hating on myself so badly. I do miss them but they aren’t coming back ever which hurts a lot. It’s over before it even barely began due to me being untrustworthy. That can never be repaired. I will still mentally beat myself up about it for possibly many years because that is how it works.