I just can’t right now. I need space too.

I care very much about certain others but I have to walk away. I thought about everything while listening to music most of the night. That hasn’t helped with how tired I am at the moment. I have decided that I emotionally can’t right now. I may understand a lot of stuff but I am too tired and feel too unwell to be actively involved with certain things or people at the moment. I can’t try to come forward anymore. I will be here if others want to come to me but anything else is extra stress I really don’t need. I did truly care for my friend who walked away after my stupid misguided attempt at trying to help, even if their BPD side constantly tells them that they are unlovable. I know that it is hard to ever believe that someone could truly love you with this mental illness. I wasn’t looking to find anyone when I met the person. I was totally ok with being alone. I never expected to find someone that I felt settled around. The friends that have hung around me for years can back me up confirming how disinterested I was in any relationships after all the stuff that I went through. I am grateful for the fun times and connection that me and the other person had online for the months that we were talking. If that is all we will have then I will remember those times as moments that made me happy. I need to walk away now because that is the right thing to do. I will welcome them back if they ever wish to speak to me in the future. I just need to pull back my energy and disconnect for my own wellbeing. Mentally I am doing a lot better but physically I am exhausted and keep getting ill. I do not have the strength to fight for others right now. I just need some peace away from being connected to other peoples energy.

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