I am not sure if I actually slept. I have constantly woken up so I feel like I haven’t. I am extremely unsettled with things that have gone on. I can’t just ’snap our of it’. Mentally it hasn’t done me any good. I am not wanting to go off the rails on a self destructive mission anymore but I am still affected. I just get fed up of giving others everything only for them to ditch me. It is soul destroying. Life isn’t some romantic novel where you can go chase the person you desire, in reality it just causes trouble and appears weird. I have never been in a relationship so in comparison to others I have no idea how to be. I have always preferred to be a lone wolf type due to my autism, it is a less complicated existence. I don’t know how to be with another. That is why I mess up every time I get close to someone. I have never felt that way before so I don’t know what is considered too much or beyond a boundary. I have had no previous relationships to establish the general rules.
I have never really done proper friendships because autism means I prefer to be alone a lot. I prefer limited social interactions because after them I get extremely tired. I still love and care but my abilities to do the social side are limited (if i go beyond the limit I end up exhausted). That us why being in a relationship and living with others is a challenge to me due to the sharing of space. There is no where to truly get away from people. I spent a lot of time in my room when I lived in a residential home for autistic people. I went to college during the day so that was enough interaction before I got home. It is hard to be in relationships after being in care. We naturally get seen as below others due to the stigma of why people end up in those places. I got used to being single because it was easier. Then it became a permanent goal. I have been asked out but by guys that I just wasn’t into so it was always a no. The fact that I had a child was somewhat unexpected and only happened because of a male friend. I didn’t even want children until I got to 23 when I decided to get pregnant. I never was even sure when I was actually pregnant so that is probably why I messed it all up and he ended up going for adoption.
I am inexperienced but I still feel the love toward another person when I meet someone that I like. I still fancy people who I find attractive. I just have never done a close relationship with anyone previously in my life.