I didn’t really do much with the 1st day of the year.

I was sleeping most of the day because I constantly kept waking up last night so by the time the day time came I ended up feeling like crap. I got up, put my gym kit on but never got there. I wasn’t well because my stomach was playing up. I feel like I am stuck up but that isn’t for discussion here. I popped out to get some fresh air in the car but didn’t get the things that I needed because even the supermarkets that said they were closing at 8 were shut before that point. I needed petrol which luckily was still open at the time I went out.

I am ripped to shreds by what has happened at the moment. It isn’t right to treat someone like someone else is treating me. I made a mistake but also was there for them when others weren’t. On the whole, I don’t deserve how I am being treated. I am generally quite placid and chilled… until I get angry. I really don’t want to show that side of me because in the past I have been told that my anger scares the hell out of people. As a friend, I am more than prepared to unleash my bpd rage side to get my point heard that they are being unfair. We both have anger swirling around due to our conditions. I don’t show mine unless I really need to. I have to be pushed extremely hard from all sides to blow. I feel like I am being pushed due to the situation. I feel like I need to spell it out that I will NOT be someone else’s emotional punch bag face to face. Yes, I am shy but won’t feel used by anyone. I am well aware that it could get a bit physical but I have to fight if it happens. I am not giving it the big ’I am’ … but I am aware that others sometimes see me as a quiet little mouse who they can walk all over. I have to teach others that they simply cannot do that stuff. I have never been a physical fighter in my life but sometimes you have to go there in the event that you may need to protect yourself if you are getting ready to tell someone things that they don’t want to hear which will trigger them despite needing to be told certain things. I am only 5 ft 2 but built quite solid so I should be able to protect myself if needs be.

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