Fell asleep for most of the day. Mentally I am struggling with everything.

I fell asleep for most of the day. I woke up too late to take my medication, but one day won’t hurt. Mimi (cat) decided to join me for my long sleep. I think that she knows I am sad because for once she isn’t pestering me for food. She just curled up next to me and waited until I had woken up. I somehow trained the cats to do that when they know I am not myself. I need to get up and drink something (non alcoholic – new years resolution) even if I don’t eat because I feel dehydrated. I have a dry mouth and my lower back aches. I’m having the dark dreams that disappeared before the friendship with my favourite person (BPD and autistic thing) ended. I’m always in a prison within the dream, no colours, just dark grey bars in a dark blue black lighting. I suppose that is where trauma takes my mind back to as a default when I know that I am alone again. I am fine when I am in friendships that I am comfortable in. Then as soon as it all ends my darkness swoops in and consumes me. The last few months were the happiest in a long time for me. I finally started to feel like myself again rather than an empty shell which is what I felt like since my son was placed for adoption (against my wishes) a decade ago. I started to feel human again when I entered the friendship with this other person. That has now all been stripped away again now that it is over. I feel empty. The part of my motivation that returned has well and truly disappeared. The hope that our interactions gave me has gone. I am left here broken again with nothing to look forward to. I can’t even make plans because my head is just not in the right place. They have no idea how our friendship and online interactions were helping me. I didn’t see the full impact of that until it was all over. It was building me back up and people in my offline life could see the changes. I was glowing. I was happy again. I was remotely enjoying life again. Now its like life has said only teasing that was temporary and pushed me back down a dark hole again. This is why I don’t believe in happiness. It is a fleeting thing that doesn’t seem real. I don’t even feel pain right now. I just feel absolutely nothing. I have lost all my confidence that was returning. I don’t think I can regain any of that because my trauma has regained control and my darkness has returned.

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