I don’t get it. I have been punished and suffered enough.

Happy new year before I forget. Anyway, now that is over I shall say what is in my head. How can a person completely flip reverse on me and still not be talking to me after a week if they ever remotely liked me as a friend? I did the wrong thing but not maliciously. I have punished myself for days, had the silent treatment for a week. I have suffered enough. Maybe they were just looking for an excuse to ditch me? I maybe autistic but I felt like we had connected. The last two months we were talking and interacting on TikTok was the best months of 2021 for me. I don’t want to lose that on a permanent basis. I understand that I overstepped the boundaries and I would never do something that stupid or intrusive again. I just want another chance. I want them in 2022 as a friend. I see their not so pleasant parts of their whole persona and that isn’t a problem for me. I am the one person that I can guarantee will truly care and give someone love. I am not fake. I am as real as possible. I did develop feelings… maybe not full on love but I still cared enough for the silent treatment not to hurt me. I don’t understand how someone can go from warm to cold so quickly. I totally get the BPD splitting thing but its hurting me and that effects my mental health which isn’t fair. How is it fair to punish me any longer for trying to do something to help which may have been misjudged on my part for this long? I didn’t know that not doing something like that was such a big deal. I was attempting to try to bring them happiness because I knew they were finding Christmas hard. I was being a friend even though I was stupid. Walking away telling me never to make contact again after I admitted what I had done is not being a friend to me; especially when they said that they weren’t ever going to ditch me as a friend.

I can’t do what I want in my life.

I know that I preach the lets all be free spirits thing but ironically that is something I am not able to be in my offline life. I change my hair and say that I am going to dye it neon pink once it is lifted enough. I get told that I am too old to do that. Excuse me, I am younger than loads of people I know with random colour hair. People don’t take me seriously anyway so that isn’t going to be an issue. I am showing my personality on the outside. I might go out and live it up coming back pregnant too. I haven’t decided yet. I know a few people that are fling good time nothing else types. I always eventually get what I want even if I have to do it in the most chaotic and non traditional ways.

I had an extra long sleep.

I woke up later than I had planned today. It was like someone had knocked me out because I was that deeply asleep. The cats were curled up next to me looking extremely comfortable so even they hadn’t woken me up for food. We all enjoyed our long chilled out sleep though. I just fed them now while I got up to take my medication. I put the heating on because it was cold in here. That is probably why the cats came to snuggle with me due to wanting to find warmth. They love me in their own way but cats are naturally aloof and love on their own terms.

I need to deep condition my hair after last nights bleaching session. I left oil in it and plaited it for the night so the texture is a little unpleasant at the moment. I have to shampoo the oil excess out before deep conditioning. It is important to keep the moisture in hair as much as possible during lightening to reduce the amount of damage, there will always be some damage but keeping hair strands from drying out reduces potential major damage. I am waking up. I took my medication and put clothes on the radiator ready to wear. I am not wanting to get up but I have stuff to do. I need to do my washing today due to the superstition that surrounds doing it on new years day. I don’t want to tempt fate at all right now in any way. The repeated numbers have stopped occurring since I got stressed and told them to stop. I refused to participate in the whole seeing signs stuff. I get too frightened of it all now. Life is at a stage where I am not interested in knowing things intuitively. It is hard to turn it all off but I can refuse to receive parts of it. I want to be ignorant to the world around me like many others take for granted. I am too tired to feel whatever is floating around in forms of energy. I need a break from all that. It has never helped me, if anything its always got me into trouble. I feel things that others don’t want me to know which makes it seem like I am interfering or even worse finding out info by other means rather than intuition. It is exhausting constantly being connected intuitively to everything and everyone. I want to be able to disconnect but that is so hard to do. I need to feel free for a while.