New me in progress.

I have one of my current favourite songs on repeat while laying in a bath planning on becoming a new me (best thing to do when you’re hurting over another). I am quitting the alcohol at new year. I am planning to bleach my hair to put on neon pink temporary colour. It isn’t going to show up on my natural hair colour. It says do a patch test which I probably should do because my skin has been a little up and down the last few days. I don’t normally but I am sure that it is getting more sensitive. I had a rash on my face during my walk the other day. I don’t know what I walked through but my skin wasn’t happy.

I don’t see things the way others do so I am going to become an uncaring bitch. It works better for me and hurts less in the long term. I will always be defective and others will never give me another chance so every thing is temporary so I am going to act like I do not give a shit. It doesn’t hurt now. Neurotypicals are telling me that in their eyes it is breaking their trust like that makes me a permanent bitch not worth forgiveness. I may as well become that hard bitch who doesn’t deserve happiness due to my autism always making me chose the wrong options.

Guess it is over then?

Well, if the other person truly felt the same they would have popped back up in my DM’s by now. Again, like always, I mean nothing to those that mean something to me. I don’t know why I bother trying for others. They just don’t even appreciate it. Some efeb berate me and tell me to never contact them again for trying to help. I was as careful as possible. I am not going to be hard on anyone. I have my own child for gods sake. I am not going to be brutal and demanding. I may be technically a stranger but I won’t pass on anything that is said to me and I do not judge whatsoever. How is it far that I get judged and told to get lost? It isn’t right. If they even cared a little then they would have returned. I am sick of meeting selfish fake people!

Repeated numbers again. These things make me so anxious.

I always get extremely anxious about starting to see signs like repeated numbers. That is simply because last time I saw them constantly for a while my life went completely pear shaped. I saw two magpies yesterday on my walk but not in the usual way. They are normally always close to each other but spread out. This pair was literally stood level next to each other not far apart. There are certain numbers that I see as bad omens, such as 1919 (keep seeing that) and 555. I literally get so anxious when I see those numbers because they constantly appeared when everything fell apart on me. I can’t cope with that again. I don’t need the hassle. I emotionally can’t do all that again. I barely got through it the last time. I don’t welcome that into my life again!

This synchronisation stuff is exactly why I don’t do romantic or remotely close relationships. They have always fell apart when I ventured close to that goal in the past. I just see them purely as a source of pain and that is why the repeated number thing now scares me. I am conditioned to think that another person can never truly love me. If they think that they do then it is some kind of mistake or for purely selfish reasons. I am simply not lovable to another person unless there is some kind of hidden agenda and they will dispose of me in a painfully brutal way when I have served my purpose. I believe that when I see repeated numbers and other signs something awful will happen. That is due to previous times when I have seen them. I literally end up terrified.