I have been so much better but it never is ’better’ for long.

I don’t feel great at the moment. I have a bad stomach due to being a little blocked up. I won’t go into that but it is uncomfortable and I am hoping it clears soon. I would also never put a foot wrong again if my friend who fell out with me gave me a second chance. I would be on my best behaviour. I wouldn’t do anything that might be risky in regard to boundaries. But it is too late because no one has ever given me a second chance in friendships. That just doesn’t happen for me. There is virtually no one who wants to be friends with an autistic person dual diagnosed with other mental health issues. We never actually mean anything to anyone else. We merely exist… no one really cares about us. The one time that I ever tried to do something which wasn’t based on being selfish backfired on me. I used to be a complete nasty selfish cow when I was younger. I try to change and do things for others but I still get hated for it. I have decided that I may as well be the way I used to be because nothing changes. I just don’t want to care any more. There is less hassle when you just don’t give a crap. That is what I want to be like again. I hate being sensitive and empathic because it is too much.

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