I am still hurt but not showing it.

I haven’t completely got over my friend telling me that they never want to hear from me again. I am just not showing it. There is nothing that will change her decision so there’s no point in me hurting over it constantly. There is enough pain both of our lives for different reasons. I tried to do something misguided which I thought would help them. I misjudged that. I had a few drinks so I am more honest at these times. I wish that I could reverse time and not decide to do what I did. I was at least honest about it. I didn’t have to own up to what I tried to do. I am a brutally honest person which has been my downfall many times in my life. Whether they believe it or not, I genuinely cared and felt love toward them. I showed that I was a good friend by being honest with them and not hiding what I had done. I am understanding; there is no need to mask with me. I could see that they weren’t doing great recently. That is why I tried to make the impossible happen. I wanted to arrange something which would make them truly happy even if it was just temporary. I guess people never mean what they say though. People always say that they aren’t going anywhere regardless of what crap my disability and mental health chucks into the friendship. Then they go and do the exact actions that they vowed they were never going to do. Technically, my autism made me see things in such a simplistic way that my actions seemed like a good idea. I just don’t naturally see complexities due to my autism side.

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