I haven’t completely got over my friend telling me that they never want to hear from me again. I am just not showing it. There is nothing that will change her decision so there’s no point in me hurting over it constantly. There is enough pain both of our lives for different reasons. I tried to do something misguided which I thought would help them. I misjudged that. I had a few drinks so I am more honest at these times. I wish that I could reverse time and not decide to do what I did. I was at least honest about it. I didn’t have to own up to what I tried to do. I am a brutally honest person which has been my downfall many times in my life. Whether they believe it or not, I genuinely cared and felt love toward them. I showed that I was a good friend by being honest with them and not hiding what I had done. I am understanding; there is no need to mask with me. I could see that they weren’t doing great recently. That is why I tried to make the impossible happen. I wanted to arrange something which would make them truly happy even if it was just temporary. I guess people never mean what they say though. People always say that they aren’t going anywhere regardless of what crap my disability and mental health chucks into the friendship. Then they go and do the exact actions that they vowed they were never going to do. Technically, my autism made me see things in such a simplistic way that my actions seemed like a good idea. I just don’t naturally see complexities due to my autism side.
I am not over certain things but I have to not go offline completely. This blog stuff is basically my work and if I am going to try to make money writing I need to keep my name in public. It doesn’t matter what is going on in my personal life. I can’t make money if I am off somewhere feeling hurt and sorry for myself. According to others I am like Adele. I write better when I am hurt. I am more focused rather than pissing about on the likes of TikTok.
I know that I am now stuck here in this area when I have to move. I don’t have the time to wait for the other person to sort their head out, forgive me or whatever. If I begrudgingly move back to my Mum’s I still will detest living down the road from the ex copper who was part of the set up to get me labelled. I also do not forget her making fun of me to her younger more inexperienced colleagues when I was a teenager in a cell before I got sent away. She is a bully and those types don’t change. I have a right to hold on to it … my life took the path it did due to the way she made sure that I got labelled at 18 after years of being traumatised by police involvement. I was just a kid back the but now I will fight back. I refuse to take any shit from people like her and if she or her friend/relative (they look similar so I can’t be sure) that she hangs with I will be opening the floodgates in regards to what crap she did to people when she was a police officer. It doesn’t matter how much time goes by. They would be at least 60 odd now … however, karma has no deadline! Sometimes also those of us who can direct the karma train must do that. I will make sure she gets kicked of the village. I am a writer, creative remember and people could see that right back from when I was young. I have the ability to watch and at the same time pick up little details to use at a later date. Those that led to me being labelled as negative things due to me not being the norm will find out how I will use those details to enact revenge. Once I am done everyone will hate them so much that they will have to leave the county not just the village /town (always been a long going argument as to which category that locality is). I have already based one anthology contribution on what they were doing in the past. Obviously, I had to change the names, even my own part I did not use my own name. But, I am prepared to serve the karma plate up to certain people if that is what is required. I don’t want to stay living in the area I grew up and never wanted to come back. If I must stay then karma must happen even if I have to direct it to the truly awful bullies around here.
I don’t feel great at the moment. I have a bad stomach due to being a little blocked up. I won’t go into that but it is uncomfortable and I am hoping it clears soon. I would also never put a foot wrong again if my friend who fell out with me gave me a second chance. I would be on my best behaviour. I wouldn’t do anything that might be risky in regard to boundaries. But it is too late because no one has ever given me a second chance in friendships. That just doesn’t happen for me. There is virtually no one who wants to be friends with an autistic person dual diagnosed with other mental health issues. We never actually mean anything to anyone else. We merely exist… no one really cares about us. The one time that I ever tried to do something which wasn’t based on being selfish backfired on me. I used to be a complete nasty selfish cow when I was younger. I try to change and do things for others but I still get hated for it. I have decided that I may as well be the way I used to be because nothing changes. I just don’t want to care any more. There is less hassle when you just don’t give a crap. That is what I want to be like again. I hate being sensitive and empathic because it is too much.