Off the rails approaching in 3, 2, 1…

I am at the gym. I don’t plan to eat for days (weight gain during christmas means I have to reverse it). I don’t feel like eating though. I constantly feel sick due to emotionally being upset. That is what happens with mental illness. You literally feel emotions physically. I don’t want to be any kind of influencer in these kinds of behaviours. Others should not do what I plan to do because it is dangerous. I am just on a self destruct mission from today because that is how I deal with feeling hurt. It is not good but if I can get completely out of my head whether it is by taking things, drinking, not eating and exercising all the excess fat off of me then that is what I must do. I won’t give a crap whether someone else forgives me and comes back as a friend (won’t happen anyway she was final in her words). I just have to numb myself with substances and not eat properly, part of me is punishing myself and the other is knowing my head won’t be able to think which means I won’t miss my friend. I deserve to punish myself and I do not want to feel the emotional pain associated with them walking away.