Off the rails approaching in 3, 2, 1…

I am at the gym. I don’t plan to eat for days (weight gain during christmas means I have to reverse it). I don’t feel like eating though. I constantly feel sick due to emotionally being upset. That is what happens with mental illness. You literally feel emotions physically. I don’t want to be any kind of influencer in these kinds of behaviours. Others should not do what I plan to do because it is dangerous. I am just on a self destruct mission from today because that is how I deal with feeling hurt. It is not good but if I can get completely out of my head whether it is by taking things, drinking, not eating and exercising all the excess fat off of me then that is what I must do. I won’t give a crap whether someone else forgives me and comes back as a friend (won’t happen anyway she was final in her words). I just have to numb myself with substances and not eat properly, part of me is punishing myself and the other is knowing my head won’t be able to think which means I won’t miss my friend. I deserve to punish myself and I do not want to feel the emotional pain associated with them walking away.

I don’t want to talk ok. It won’t help.

I am part of a few mental health communities online. I keep getting people saying their DM’s are always open if I need to talk. I know that they mean well but that’s not going to help. There is no point in talking when it doesn’t change anything. People mean well but they cannot help right now. The best thing I can do is sleep, carry on with every day life and numb my emotions to the point where I stop feeling them. Then nothing can hurt me. I can tolerate daily life that way. I appreciate people trying to understand but there is no way that many of you can unless they had autism and bpd combined.

When you lose your favourite person ( more of a BPD thing than an autism) you completely crumble as a person. The co-dependancy that ran deep in your emotions that you had when the person was in your life becomes apparent. You literally can’t feel happiness without them being in your life. You literally see the world differently. Before it was full of colours and hope. Now it is full of darkness and pain. It is just a process that you have to go through. The pain of losing the favourite person never goes away but it does go to the back of your mind eventually. There is nothing that anyone can do at the moment to make me feel better. And, for those of you on TikTok who knows both of us, please refrain from trying to talk to the other person about me because they will just be angered again. In their eyes I deserved to be cut off. There is nothing anyone can say to change that. I made a stupid careless decision that cost me the friendship. It wasn’t done in malice but they still see my actions as bad. That is their perception so that means I am the most awful person ever now. That is BPD splitting.

Once someone has chosen to split on someone all the positive feelings you had for the other person turns into hate and even the mention of their name sends you into a rage. It is highly unlikely that the split will be reversed. In many cases it is a permanent thing. That is I know that this will never be repaired. BPD is one hell of a ride for both the person that has it and those around them. The good times are so happy but the bad times are the polar opposite. The intensity of everything can be overwhelming. Anger and emotional outbursts regularly destroy things in your life. It is never all bad but those negative events really do leave trauma that always has an impact on your current life.

All the progress that I made is reversing.

I found myself truly smiling for the first time in a long time the other week. That was since I got to know my new friend who now no longer wants to speak to me ever again. I can no longer truly smile now. I can’t even fake a smile. I just feel depressed and the hope that I had started to regain has disappeared. So I don’t think that I will ever get those aspects back now. I have absolutely no desire to do anything in life now. They let me down. And now I just want to go off the rails because I just am fed up of life being an endless drawn out thing that I don’t want to do anymore.