I have been better. Emotionally done…

I caught up with sleep but I am still extremely tired. I went out for the evening because I don’t want to be on my own. I didn’t have to cook so had more energy to do some housework. I have been better. I was not properly healed from things that had happened in my own life before being knocked down by what happened with my friend over Christmas. I still feel guilty and hate myself. Things will probably feel less raw for everyone once the new year arrives. This is the worse time of year for those of us that have mental health issues. I hope that I get forgiven in time but my intuition is telling me that isn’t going to happen. I just have to distract myself from how everything has made me feel and the reality of being nothing in reality to someone I truly cared about.

I don’t want things to stay like this.

I have barely slept. I don’t want the other person to never talk to me again. I unblocked their account on TikTok after I had emotionally settled down from yesterday. The settings still prevent any further contact being made. I was hoping that they would also have emotionally calmed down after yesterday. I can’t apologise more than I already have. I thought that I was doing the right thing in my stupid simple autistic mind. I had no malice and whether they believe my feelings or not … I genuinely cared! Autism means that my love is given rather innocently and purely without any hidden agendas. That is rare when it comes to neurotypicals, they aren’t used to pure love with no hidden agendas. They always assume stuff that hasn’t even crossed my mind. I may have done some awful things growing up when pushed into corners. I don’t have any malice in me though. I really beat myself up when I make mistakes because I actually do care. I was crying and extremely cut up emotionally yesterday. I didn’t sleep until really late because emotionally I was just worn out after hating myself for the entire day alongside feeling like I meant nothing as a person after what was said to me. Others can fake whole friendships and not really care. I don’t know how but I can’t do it. I know that my actions sometimes make people angry but I am not trying to be annoying or difficult. I just am me which comes with all my autistic thinking and intentions.

I can’t sleep :(

I went to bed early due to being upset and fed up. I still can’t sleep despite the fact that I have worn myself out crying. I am the kind of person who just doesn’t sleep until things are sorted out. The other person will never forgive me as they had no feelings for me anyway (as they so cruelly pointed out earlier). Plus, as I have blocked them on everything they can no longer message me. I was hurt so badly that I cut them off after they said don’t contact again. I don’t know how this is going to affect my mental health in general. I can’t sleep now. Earlier, my head was busy and my thoughts were overwhelming. It feels like everything is going around my head like a ping pong ball. I have a stress headache. I don’t think the knock on effects of the things that were said is going to be easy to shake off. I had the best of intentions but it didn’t look that way. I hate myself normally, this is just the extra self hatred kicking off on top. I now am stuck here when I move in April. Another area, a new start nearer my new friend was plan b (if rentals start becoming available without being snapped up so quickly if they’re at the affordable end). I have ruined more than just a potential friendship; my exit strategy from this area has now gone. I don’t do things by halves. If I screw up, I do it in an epic way. I can’t reverse it if the person had no feelings for me as friend in the first place. They won’t care enough to calm down and not be angry with me. Right now, mentally I am broken over what was said to me. It is affecting how I function. I cried for hours after I got home from my walk.