I am not ok.

In case others wonder why I am a little off tonight … I am not ok. I am still rather upset about what was said to me earlier. I was just trying to help. I had the best intentions when I made the decision to do what I did. I didn’t deserve to basically be told that I meant nothing to my new friend. I was there for her when no one else bothered. I opened up to her. I now see that was all unappreciated by them. They know my issues and if they actually cared about how their comments may affect me then she wouldn’t have said them. I guess that is proof that people treat autistic people as objects rather than a human being. I’m insecure at the best times. I am crushed emotionally right now. I walked miles (more than normal) to walk off my hurt feelings. I have now eaten something for the first time today after feeling completely full for most of the day after Christmas food yesterday. I have bought booze on my walk and I intend to drink my pain tonight! After all, I mean nothing so I may as well treat myself like shit. I was so emotionally distraught earlier that I was close to walking in front of a moving car. I feel things intensely and those comments cut like a knife. They were verging on nasty and it is no surprise that no one else cares about them. I hope that they end up old and alone. I gave a shit… yet they tried to tell me that I didn’t care or have any love for them. Nope, that is their feelings in regard to me. I am very very very hurt!!!!

Crying … now I know the truth.

I have just blocked my new friend on TikTok after she had a go at me for trying to do something with the intention of helping behind her back. I was watching corrie the other night where Abi’s kids came back to see her. They were adopted a while back. I knew that this person’s son wouldn’t speak to her for reasons that I cannot go into here or in any conversation outside of the blog due to confidentiality. I told them what I had done because I didn’t want her to find out from other places. She completely told me that I crossed her boundaries and to never contact her again. That isn’t the reason why I blocked her. I won’t have anyone telling me how I feel. That I don’t really love her because I don’t know her. If I didn’t care even a little bit then why would I have gone to the trouble to send her some of her favourite sweets in the post? She even admitted that I was the only one that messaged her to see if she was ok at times. Then she showed her true colours by telling me that basically I am nothing to her and the only person that meant anything to her was her son. I knew that so that is why I tried to talk to him … not in her behalf, because I know what the pain is like to live without my own son. The truth hurts but at least I know that she hasn’t really changed from her past now. I am understanding due to having autism and parts of bpd but I feel used right now. I tried to delete Tiktok but my account won’t let me but I am not going back on there. They even admitted that they joined the platform to take the piss. So, I believe that they just do not care about anything, only there to feel loved, get gifts via their wish list and use others for self gratification.

I don’t know if I am being manipulated…

I am autistic so I am not always sure if I am being manipulated or not. I have just found out stuff about a new friend who I absolutely adored at first. I then start questioning whether they are manipulating me. I would like to think that they have changed from how they used to be but I cannot be sure. I just have to trust that they have changed a little at least. I don’t want anyone to take advantage of my kindness. I have been quite giving toward them. They have disappeared over Christmas (they did say this in advance). I am hoping it isn’t a manipulation tactic. They said that they are struggling with Christmas due to how it affects me and I believe them. I can be naïve though. I sometimes get the impression that they don’t particularly care. I understand that others sometimes have a lot going on in their head. I can’t say that I am never selfish when it comes to my own needs. I didn’t want them to go offline for christmas but I know that I can’t tell them what to either nicely or brutally. People don’t want demanding friends. The other person is neurotypical (not autistic) so they could use all those grey areas to covertly manipulate me. I understand mental health due to my own experiences. I just don’t want to be used by anyone.