I feel like kicking off….

I know that I said earlier that I was having Christmas Day off etc after the Christmas message. I didn’t know that the concept of ‘Christmas’ was affecting me so much. However, I just can’t wait until it is over now. I just hate every single moment of this over commercialized pile of crap! It should be toned down a little for those that do not experience the ‘joy of christmas’ for whatever reason. Christmas is actually really nothing if there is nothing to celebrate in your life. I am sure that there are spirits hanging around me too. I could feel myself getting fed up, upset and a little angry when suddenly something fell out of the bin (I know that I had put it in there properly) and … even more suspiciously, the photo of me and Jonny as a baby when he was first born fell over (that was also stood up properly). I’m just not interested right now. Whatever/whoever it is… please don’t touch my stuff. I miss my son but I will never spend a christmas with him, he is gone forever. The chances of him coming to find me are quite frankly beyond slim. I don’t feel depressed but I probably am without realizing it because I haven’t had a bath tonight. I changed into my pj’s when I got home from my long walk. I will probably have a bath in the morning before I have to be out for christmas dinner at a relatives. I swear that my flat is in a worse state than normal. Then my new bestie says they’re going offline for the next few days to avoid christmas due to how they’re struggling. They can’t help that but neither can I help wanting to kick off because I am beginning to become hateful toward this season right now. I’m becoming hateful toward a lot of stuff as I age. Maybe that is just how it goes. I have less patience with certain things as I get older. I don’t know if people get more annoying or I’m starting to notice that they are irritating more. I want to throw things. I want to cry and have a huge argument with whoever pisses me off next. I’m triggered, deal with it! I’m not a snowflake… I’ve been through more than many people in my life. I’m just so angry at everything and everyone.

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