I want to have a child but my shelf life is coming to an end.

Most of you are aware of what happened to my first child, if you’re not it is included on the about Em page. The first time didn’t work out for me. I am a decade older, a lot more mature and mentally settled at this point. I desperately want to have another chance. However, by the time you get to mid 30s, the decent good looking men are either taken or gay. I am 35 next year and that means my shelf life for having another baby is getting shorter. I don’t know whether the issues I currently have with my monthlies are the start of the end of my fertility. Apparently, despite having periods, women my age don’t always ovulate actual eggs regularly. I was born when my mother was 37 but that concerns me in regard to potentially having a severe autistic child. I was born with a form of autism but on the milder side. I won’t have children with someone else who has a form of autism because genetically it is too risky. I don’t particularly want a relationship but next time I am definitely not doing it alone. I know what that was like the first time around. I know what I am walking into this time around. I was young and naïve a decade ago. I am just very aware that my time is running out and it is something I am very aware of constantly.

I been awake too long today!

I woke up at 6am and couldn’t get back to sleep so I played on the games on my phone for a few hours, then it was 10am before I knew it and I had to get up for a parcel so I got up. I popped out for barely 2 hours yesterday… a relatives christmas present for me was delivered to a neighbour in the flats across from mine. I hate going to retrieve parcels from my neighbours. I have nothing against them but my anxiety kicks off so badly! I also went through the car wash yesterday which also frightens me. I had to get it done properly due to how much dust and muck (also bird crap) was on it. I was petrified but I didn’t freak out. There is nothing that I can do once I am in there… no control so there is no point freaking out. I was extremely tired after all that last night. I get exhausted easily doing socialising anyway let alone facing multiple fears on the same day. I feel kind of on my own today.

I haven’t spoken to anyone much and my new bestie had the covid booster yesterday which gave her a massive headache and a swollen arm so she went to sleep it off. I got a full blown flu / cold thing after mine. I think the cold bug was going around at that point as everyone seemed to have it… I ended up going from booster side effects to having the thing doing the rounds. I am keeping myself busy today. I went the gym and tidied / cleaned bits of my flat before going out. I spend a while on that TikTok for a bit but its distracting so I limit myself which means I get other things done. I would love to become an influencer but no one wants to follow me in that way. I don’t have the look. I am not someone who stands out and I am not great at making money. I hate going on camera due to how I look as I am getting older. I was upstaged by one of my cats this week who has managed to get over 2700 views via the for you page … we never normally get that many views. I have previously reached the 500 / 600s but never into the thousands.