I am just tired, not depressed. I numbed myself emotionally.

I am hoping that I have the energy to go to the gym tomorrow (well, its later today now). I had no issues falling asleep earlier. I only slept for an hour and then woke up. I was still tired but got up to do a few things that I was supposed to so before going to bed. I am banning myself from browsing TikTok during the night. The whole night has disappeared in what only feels like an hour.

I got my printer working so the label is all printed ready to go on the vinted parcel tomorrow and it can be dropped off at the local collection point. I had those coats and other bits on there for months and no one bought them. I hope that people will start buying what I put on there soon. I need to get rid of stuff so that I won’t be moving out with excess things that I don’t need or want anymore. Some of those things I didn’t want to sell but even if I lose a bit of weight I most likely won’t get into them again. I am just not the shape as when I got them. I have to buy a bigger size just to fit my boobs in now after the gym seems to have made them more fuller. I also apparently have a bum now which I never had before.

I am tired but no longer depressed. I learned to numb myself so that everyone else spending Christmas with their kids wouldn’t hurt me, it did for the first 5 years after my son’s adoption. I am also starting to see red flags in my new friend too. I can’t really lecture anyone else about telling lies or not being entirely honest, it is a BPD thing and I have told my own in the past. I also don’t want to throw assumptions out there when I find it hard to trust people so my mind might be only seeing what it is accustomed to noticing. Of course I don’t expect others to be completely open with me when we have only known each other online for a few months. It is difficult not to mirror another person’s personality having BPD and if two people with it start accidentally doing the same it could get confusing. I know that we both try not to do it. I probably mask more due to the autistic part of me. I can’t shake that intuitive feeling that something is off. That could be caused by my insecurities rather than anything concrete.

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