I just can’t today. All plans cancelled :(

I had so many plans for today but woke up with my monthly kicking off. I took my medication to stop bleeding so much and went back to bed. There goes my gym session out the window. I am in less pain since taking the medication but as soon as I get up to do anything it decides to go for it big time. The cats have both come for a cuddle because they always know when I am not well. I also woke up sweating badly to the point where everything was wet. I was better until I started taking the iron tablets again. I only took them for one month. I haven’t taken them for weeks and I am still like this. I had the booster vaccine recently but I don’t think this is the first monthly I had since then. I actually took a covid test yesterday in case my tiredness was that. It was negative. I am glad that I was given two boxes of them now as no one can get access to the home tests due to the demand for them now.

The person that died with Omicron variant was apparently unvaccinated and their relative has blamed all the anti vaxxers as this person made the decision not to get the vaccine due to what they were saying. Some people are saying that we are going back into lockdown on 30th December, others say official sources are saying 6th January. I had the 6th January intuitively enter my head before the date was leaked by whatever source. I don’t know where it came from… the date just popped into my head. I don’t feel comfortable making predictions during this situation. I have picked up bad things coming my entire life. I don’t like it so I try not to use that side of me.

I am just tired, not depressed. I numbed myself emotionally.

I am hoping that I have the energy to go to the gym tomorrow (well, its later today now). I had no issues falling asleep earlier. I only slept for an hour and then woke up. I was still tired but got up to do a few things that I was supposed to so before going to bed. I am banning myself from browsing TikTok during the night. The whole night has disappeared in what only feels like an hour.

I got my printer working so the label is all printed ready to go on the vinted parcel tomorrow and it can be dropped off at the local collection point. I had those coats and other bits on there for months and no one bought them. I hope that people will start buying what I put on there soon. I need to get rid of stuff so that I won’t be moving out with excess things that I don’t need or want anymore. Some of those things I didn’t want to sell but even if I lose a bit of weight I most likely won’t get into them again. I am just not the shape as when I got them. I have to buy a bigger size just to fit my boobs in now after the gym seems to have made them more fuller. I also apparently have a bum now which I never had before.

I am tired but no longer depressed. I learned to numb myself so that everyone else spending Christmas with their kids wouldn’t hurt me, it did for the first 5 years after my son’s adoption. I am also starting to see red flags in my new friend too. I can’t really lecture anyone else about telling lies or not being entirely honest, it is a BPD thing and I have told my own in the past. I also don’t want to throw assumptions out there when I find it hard to trust people so my mind might be only seeing what it is accustomed to noticing. Of course I don’t expect others to be completely open with me when we have only known each other online for a few months. It is difficult not to mirror another person’s personality having BPD and if two people with it start accidentally doing the same it could get confusing. I know that we both try not to do it. I probably mask more due to the autistic part of me. I can’t shake that intuitive feeling that something is off. That could be caused by my insecurities rather than anything concrete.