I haven’t made this decision lightly.

I know that many of you who read this blog regularly know how much I have been agonising over this decision. I haven’t wanted to make it. I can’t put it off any longer. The indecision is making my insomnia worse and the feeling of not wanting to face the daylight hours extremely intense. I literally end up pinned to my bed, my brain just doesn’t want to deal with certain things. I can no longer continue with my university course. It is starting to make me depressed and slightly frustrated. I was fighting myself for so long due to not wanting to feel like a failure. I am in my mid 30’s and haven’t really achieved anything in life. The times when I was close to achieving certain things it was cruelly snatched away from me (for instance the chance to be a mum). I would therefore never quit something unless it was mentally breaking me to the extreme. That is exactly why I have made this decision. I can no longer deal with what it is mentally doing to me. I feel crushed bit by bit the more I get into the degree modules. I don’t know what else I am going to do yet. I need a break first due to mentally pushing myself so hard just after my son’s adoption trying to carry on ’doing life’. I spent years getting the qualifications that I should have got at school all while being broken emotionally. I need a rest because all that happened is always at the back of my mind.

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