Day: December 16, 2021

I woke up feeling really awful after only a few hours sleep. Then I tried to use my printer which decided not to work. The ink had dried up after not using it for a few months. I needed it to work to print a label out for the coat that I sold on vinted last night. I just bought a new one from the supermarket so hopefully that is one issue sorted, get it packed tonight and sent tomorrow. I didn’t see daylight again. I haven’t for a few days. I haven’t been awake during the day. I haven’t officially quit my university course yet but I discussed it earlier with the tutor. They try to be helpful but they can’t really help with my issues. I literally am mentally being negatively affected by even participating in studying. It is causing my insomnia because it makes me hate being awake just thinking of doing it. That is why I cannot complete carry in with it.

I know that many of you who read this blog regularly know how much I have been agonising over this decision. I haven’t wanted to make it. I can’t put it off any longer. The indecision is making my insomnia worse and the feeling of not wanting to face the daylight hours extremely intense. I literally end up pinned to my bed, my brain just doesn’t want to deal with certain things. I can no longer continue with my university course. It is starting to make me depressed and slightly frustrated. I was fighting myself for so long due to not wanting to feel like a failure. I am in my mid 30’s and haven’t really achieved anything in life. The times when I was close to achieving certain things it was cruelly snatched away from me (for instance the chance to be a mum). I would therefore never quit something unless it was mentally breaking me to the extreme. That is exactly why I have made this decision. I can no longer deal with what it is mentally doing to me. I feel crushed bit by bit the more I get into the degree modules. I don’t know what else I am going to do yet. I need a break first due to mentally pushing myself so hard just after my son’s adoption trying to carry on ’doing life’. I spent years getting the qualifications that I should have got at school all while being broken emotionally. I need a rest because all that happened is always at the back of my mind.