I’m fed up and I am totally done!

I am aware of the fact that others have their own stuff going on but I am totally fed up. I know that my BPD side doesn’t like feeling ignored even if logically I know this isn’t the case. I just feel angry. I was crying, that is just hormones not directly linked. I get restless when I feel ignored and end up ruining any friendships. I convince myself that I don’t want relationships with others to ensure that I never get hurt again. Nothing really means anything in this life. It is like a pointless existence just waiting for your death date when the endless hours of existing finally ends. I want to be free from existing in a painful mist which is the suffering I’ve endured in my life. I don’t want to feel it anymore. I am totally done. I cannot believe that life will get better. This is my painful reality forever. I don’t want to be trapped anymore. The whole construct that exists around me and out in the wider world makes me feel completely suffocated. Every single thing about this life is some form of disguised trap! All the good things are also potentially bad. All the things that make you feel happy can also cause sadness. This reality is some form of sadistic plans by fate that we have no control over. I don’t want to be a part of it. I don’t want to exist in this reality that is impossible to escape.