I fell asleep but woke up again.

I managed to fall asleep for about an hour. I then woke up again. I needed the toilet but a nightmare woke me up. I don’t know whether I was awake or asleep but saw something scary in front of me. I was shaking but I think it was my stomach waking me up to say I had to go the toilet. I woke up with Mister (cat) curled up next to me so I am sure nothing spirit related woke me. I don’t get attacked by that stuff when the cats are near me. He is cold due to the heating being off. The other one is using my blanket in the living room to have a warm snooze. I am still tired but can’t get back to sleep yet. I hate myself tonight. I keep regularly stuffing myself with food and increasing my alcohol intake. I get so hungry and now all my recent efforts to lose weight has been ruined. I also feel like I do not mean anything to anyone in this life. I even mean nothing to myself due to being this weight rather than how I used to be. I am in a constant fight with my body. It always seems to want to get larger and I am on the other end trying to pull it back from what it naturally wants to do. I get more hungry the harder I try to fight it. I do better when not fighting things. I didn’t fight my insomnia tonight. I caught up with coronation street (missed it earlier) at about midnight to 2am and then fell asleep by half 2. I may have woken up again at half 3 but by stuffing myself full of a late night snack and a few mini bottles of alcohol I made myself wake up needing the toilet. I can only sleep when I am full so I have to eat later. I barely eat much during the day so the calories balance out. I just wish that someone loved me for who I am. I can’t even love this so there is no chance there.

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