Day: December 11, 2021

I tried more of the weight machines tonight while the gym wasn’t too busy. That way I cannot make an ass out of myself while I am still learning the whole weight training aspect. I got here at 5 to 10 and literally had to do ’supermarket sweep’ at the supermarket next door to get what I needed before they closed. I managed to do it. I am typing this while on a cardio machine… this one is like my chill out part after the weight machines. I actually got housework done too despite really not wanting to do it. I had my dinner before going the gym so I don’t have to eat late when I get home. I just want a bath and to roll into bed when I get finally get home. Maybe I will sleep a few hours tonight rather than just one.

I am aware of the fact that others have their own stuff going on but I am totally fed up. I know that my BPD side doesn’t like feeling ignored even if logically I know this isn’t the case. I just feel angry. I was crying, that is just hormones not directly linked. I get restless when I feel ignored and end up ruining any friendships. I convince myself that I don’t want relationships with others to ensure that I never get hurt again. Nothing really means anything in this life. It is like a pointless existence just waiting for your death date when the endless hours of existing finally ends. I want to be free from existing in a painful mist which is the suffering I’ve endured in my life. I don’t want to feel it anymore. I am totally done. I cannot believe that life will get better. This is my painful reality forever. I don’t want to be trapped anymore. The whole construct that exists around me and out in the wider world makes me feel completely suffocated. Every single thing about this life is some form of disguised trap! All the good things are also potentially bad. All the things that make you feel happy can also cause sadness. This reality is some form of sadistic plans by fate that we have no control over. I don’t want to be a part of it. I don’t want to exist in this reality that is impossible to escape.

I managed to fall asleep for about an hour. I then woke up again. I needed the toilet but a nightmare woke me up. I don’t know whether I was awake or asleep but saw something scary in front of me. I was shaking but I think it was my stomach waking me up to say I had to go the toilet. I woke up with Mister (cat) curled up next to me so I am sure nothing spirit related woke me. I don’t get attacked by that stuff when the cats are near me. He is cold due to the heating being off. The other one is using my blanket in the living room to have a warm snooze. I am still tired but can’t get back to sleep yet. I hate myself tonight. I keep regularly stuffing myself with food and increasing my alcohol intake. I get so hungry and now all my recent efforts to lose weight has been ruined. I also feel like I do not mean anything to anyone in this life. I even mean nothing to myself due to being this weight rather than how I used to be. I am in a constant fight with my body. It always seems to want to get larger and I am on the other end trying to pull it back from what it naturally wants to do. I get more hungry the harder I try to fight it. I do better when not fighting things. I didn’t fight my insomnia tonight. I caught up with coronation street (missed it earlier) at about midnight to 2am and then fell asleep by half 2. I may have woken up again at half 3 but by stuffing myself full of a late night snack and a few mini bottles of alcohol I made myself wake up needing the toilet. I can only sleep when I am full so I have to eat later. I barely eat much during the day so the calories balance out. I just wish that someone loved me for who I am. I can’t even love this so there is no chance there.