Day: December 7, 2021

I really wasn’t keen on moving today at all. I finally dragged myself to the gym later on this evening. I just did a harder machine and my face is literally dripping. I am on the easier bike machine now. This feels like leisure in comparison to what I just attempted. I lost more body fat this week as well as a pound. I had to eat more calories (naturally I do not eat enough to burn fat apparently) in order to balance fat loss and weight loss out. If that goes at the same speed then in a few more months I could be back to single figures like I was a few years ago by March or April. And, before people from my past start thinking that I did this weight loss thing because I met a new person that I liked… that is totally not the case. I actually joined the gym before I came across them via TikTok. I am doing it for me because I gained a few stone drinking and not watching what I was eating during lockdown. Anyway, she who cannot be named on here apparently said I was too skinny to be attractive back when we met. I grew boobs and a bum (according to a male friend who pointed it out after watching my previous weight loss check video) and that ass will never be hers, they had their chance years ago and rejected me along with putting me through hell just after I lost my son to adoption. I am stronger now and your acceptance no longer matters to me. I have moved on now so there is no crawling back for me even if things changed in time.

I didn’t sleep much last night so I have been drifting off and waking up the last few hours. This time I woke up hearing the horrendous weather outside. The rain sounded quite heavy and it was windy earlier. It doesn’t sound pleasant out there. I am glad to be inside with my warm duvet over me and central heating turned on. I feel the cold quite a lot and it is uncomfortable for me to the point where it kicks off my autistic sensory issues. I feel so awful at the moment. I mentally cannot function properly. I am just burnt out and totally had enough. I keep seeing hallucinations in front of me in the form of colours. Since I woke up everything seems to have a slight red hue to it. I haven’t been able to concentrate for a while now. I keep forgetting names etc. I used to be so good at remembering names. I even know the information one minute but I forget it while in the same conversation or even in my thoughts. Then my insomnia has thrown any type of sleep pattern hopes away at the moment. I just can’t do a lot now and keep getting extremely tired after barely doing anything. I think my body isn’t keen on all the gym sessions I have tried to do lately.

I got my first level 2 module TMA back this evening. 58%. We are not officially allowed to discuss our grades between each on OU platforms. This is my personal platform and I am ok with sharing this information. The grade links to what I am here to say. It will all flow together. I have read the feedback. Many of the things I am struggling with is linked to my disability. I can’t access the proper support for those issues due to not having an up to date needs assessment. They are extremely hard to get as an adult as only certain ones get accepted due to the strict criteria on what DSA (student finance england) sees as evidence. It has to be done by a specific learning disability assessor. Then when I do look there are none in my area. That is not just my point though. Why should I have to go through so much hassle and jump through hoops like a performing seal just to get support in certain areas where I have difficulties? It is hard enough getting by on a daily basis. I don’t need the complications but I am going to fail my degree if I don’t do something. The OU know about my disability but I have no official assessment of needs to show as proof. I have issues that don’t fit into one category and are quite complex as a whole. I don’t want to quit but also don’t want to fail my degree.