Day: December 4, 2021

I was so sure that I liked someone in that way but I don’t think that I do. I am extremely tired after today. I never went back to the gym today after all the things that I have had to do due to sorting stuff out. I did all the weight machines so I got an hour done.

Anyway, I don’t want to mess someone around. I honestly thought that I liked them but I am already losing interest. I looked at them differently when they were new in my life. Then I completely felt nothing for them when I looked at them online via their videos today. The novelty has already worn off. I just don’t have love there for them anymore. I can’t love who they are but I don’t want to admit that because I’ve been so loving toward them recently. I was so anxious about a potential friendship but now I have just blown cold. They made me smile and everything but this is no longer the case. I have gone indifferent in the situation. I am thinking awful things about them. For example: they look like they smell bad. I know it is terrible but this is my brain when it flips around. I don’t want to be mean but this is just me at the moment. Maybe I am just going into an emotional dip and it isn’t them. They probably won’t read this so I can be open here. If they do… well I won’t be popular. Basically things don’t work for me anyway when it comes to relationships so killing it off at the start will avoid all that hurt.

I have been out all day and have stopped by the gym while waiting to give someone a lift when their flat tire is ready to be repaired. I had to drop them home. I went to get a few bits from the supermarket that I needed. I am either going home in between or travelling with my shopping after the gym and going home afterwards. I am fortunate that I ate more than I have been so I have the energy for all this rushing around. It has made it difficult that the other person doesn’t have a mobile phone and has gone deaf today so I had to make all the arrangements. And it looks like I am not going home because I just got a phone call now.

I finally managed to watch the Paddy and Christine McGuinness autism documentary. I didn’t get around to watching it until tonight. It wasn’t as awful as I assumed it might be. Simon Baron-Cohen is not a popular name within the adult autistic community. I met him when I was sectioned in a psychiatric hospital when I was a teenager. He was doing some research and the hospital put forward who they thought would be appropriate for what he was researching. I don’t get involved in the controversies of the autism politics. That is a waste of time as nothing progresses if everyone is conflicting with each other. I have been through some extremely tough times due to my autism but thankfully I am able to live independently. I didn’t really have a choice as I got older.

I don’t get any formal support now and I haven’t for a few years. The support available kind of wavers after you get past your 20s. I know that the support available are totally pot luck depending on which part of the country a person lives. It has never been great in Leicestershire. That is why I am considering moving away somewhere new where there is support services available. The quality of services here just aren’t great and I am not getting what I should be entitled to for at least 4 years now.

I have mixed feelings on the documentary but in general I approve of it. There was no fakery and embellishment of facts, just honesty portrayed in a simple way. I just have one thing to say to parents of autistic people. It is okay to find the road confusing. None of us have all the answers. Don’t read hours and hours worth of things about autism because you will just end up confused more than when you first started researching. Instead, talk to autistic adults about their experiences first hand. We grew up with the condition and the textbook version of autism is totally not the reality for many with the condition.