Day: December 3, 2021

I was awake most of the night so that may be why I was basically like screw it I am tired today. The only time that my insomnia disappeared was when I had flu for a fortnight. This is my normal and I hate it! I just feel frustrated due to the fact that I thought after many years I had finally fixed it. Apparently, the BPD part of me is still at the uncontrolled stage according to people who are older than me. I still have my intense streak (my zodiac sign is Scorpio, sorry I am not all as mellow as the rest and am confusing due to being born on the cusp of libra) and I am still excitable easily. I think that it is an age thing mainly though. There there are people that say I have a lot of potential to do many things. I don’t agree but at only 5 ft 2, I have taken on people twice my size and quite large scale issues before I have even built my understanding around them. That is more stupidity than any sign of intelligence. I am used to being the most inexperienced in anything that I have gone into so I jump fully into stuff to give the illusion that I am confident about what I am doing. In time maybe I will be one of those that change the system but that is a huge responsibility to place on anyones head coming up from whatever degrees they are studying. We need more collective thinking and agreement. That isn’t happening enough to bring that system change yet. I may not even finish my degree due to my learning disabilities and everything else making me struggle at just level 2 module. Please don’t put the pressure on me to graduate because in reality it may not happen.

I also can’t sleep when I am feeling hungry either. I need to get my stomach used to not being full so that it doesn’t stop me sleeping or functioning when I am awake. As long as I drink fluids there is no need to eat a lot. I will have lost pounds in just a week if I only have one meal a day. I feel sick due to hunger after only having breakfast and a meal in the evening. I don’t even like food any longer. That is not just because I want to lose weight. I don’t particularly like food any longer. I pick at stuff rather than eat it normally. I just don’t enjoy eating like I used to.

I want to be happy surrounded by people that I like / love or whatever but as soon as I start making steps in that direction I get so insecure. I start thinking about my past experiences and it makes my anxiety extremely high. Then that kicks my autism behaviours off which tend to end my relationships. Anxiety also keeps me awake. It is 2 am at the time I am writing this entry. I know my own feelings (I am that type of person) but I start questioning those feelings. Then I don’t want to accidentally hurt anyone I get involved with… also I don’t want to get hurt again. I can’t avoid others forever to avoid getting hurt. I also know how fragile life is in regard that any of us could randomly die through an accident or illness. Then it is like we wasted our time with the person that is taken from life. Then that could potentially affect me quite badly. I am the youngest in many of the people I know so I am most likely to be the one left behind.

I am over thinking because my feelings are making me anxious. I don’t want to be unsettled because I get nothing done in my own life. I just want peace and happiness and I have no idea if the people I let into my life is going to bring that or do the opposite. It is also a bad idea to start any kind of relationship on edge. I end up on edge as soon as I start caring or catch feelings. I did better than I thought that I would. I never thought I would move on from the university thing and she who I will not name on here. I thought that I was going to hold on to it longer. The hurt from all that is currently making me a little hesitant for entering any future relationships. The insecurities that it left me with comes out when I meet someone that I like. I don’t want to mess it all up and lose another person from my life. I still feel guilty for the actions around the university situation. I always will feel bad for certain things. I have meet someone that I do really like, I know that I do but I still doubt my feelings. We are both still dealing with our own trauma so nothing more than friends can happen as we have already briefly discussed it. We both need to get over previous experiences before we are ready to go there. The thing is that a favourite person for someone with BPD may not last long. The novelty of a person only lasts a few years because things are no longer new. If or when we are both ready I may be like whatever toward them. I don’t want another to invest emotionally in me if I am just going to lose interest in time. I am a loyal person but I can’t manifest feelings if time makes them disappear. That is my BPD and autism mixture which I can’t help.