I was let down by the system but I still feel responsible for those failings.

I know that it wasn’t my fault that the system failed me. I can’t help to feel responsible for the system failing me. I am aware that this does not make sense, however, I still can’t turn that part of me off. I haven’t managed to sleep properly for years since my son was taken for adoption. I can’t remember the last time I was truly relaxed. I don’t feel like that has been for many years. I wish that I was able to let it go. I would love to be able to accept that it wasn’t my fault. There was nothing that I actually did on a personal level that led to the system letting me down. The fact that I was born with a form of autism and developed other mental health issues is not my fault. I still think that it is my fault because I got punished for how things affected me. That doesn’t help to let go of the things that continue to weigh me down from the past. I just can’t shake free of the things that cause my insomnia, anxiety and depression. The system will never admit that it let me down. That isn’t something that they are open about due to potential liability cases if any parts of the system do admit fault. That doesn’t help anyone that has been failed by the system to accept various things and properly move on.

I’m still so tired. I can do more now.

I managed to go for a walk today despite having to take something to control my monthlies. I would have been fine if I wasn’t coughing with this flu bug. It seems that lots of people have the same thing. I thought it was just a reaction to the booster until it turned into a fully fledged cold. I am a lot better than I was … the extra sleep has literally taken away all the usual tiredness in my face. I swear that even my hair has changed colour, I don’t know how that is… but it appears to be lighter. I needed to get out for a while today because I haven’t been out for a walk since Wednesday. I won’t lose any more weight if I stop for more than a few days. It won’t seem so hard to go back to the gym etc when this clears up in a few more days. I know this is bad and I said that I never would but I am listening to christmas songs in November. They were on apple music so I clicked on them. I am one of those people that tell others not to start before December. It must be everything that I have taken for my cold over the last week.