Emotional tiredness is draining!

I didn’t sleep during the night again but that is basically normal for me at this point. I am used to being that way. I probably won’t ever not be awake during the night. I had breakfast so, after posting here, I am going to try get a few hours sleep. I have to be somewhere by 1 this afternoon… I can sleep for a few hours. I came on here to talk about how emotionally drained and tired I constantly feel 24/7. I see every waking hour as a long drawn out hell of existence. I have got to the point when I am mentally a mess and so disorganised. I can’t not be damaged by things I have been through. The trauma constantly chips away at me. I get told that considering the things I went through, I deal with it all quite calmly and level headed most of the time. I don’t particularly have a choice. I have been punished every time I outwardly expressed any sort of trauma response, so I then started to never show it. I may no longer show it but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel the emotional strain of my experiences. I do and sometimes I can no longer function normally due to how draining that is for me. I take psychics words with a pinch of salt after I got conned by them. However, they did say that when my son was 10 the adopters would allow some form of contact. I am not holding out hope but he will be that age next year. That is something I hope happens but mentally and emotionally surviving on a daily basis is difficult. I am never not tired even when I have slept. I can’t hold out long term because I hate life passionately.