Resting tonight.

I went for the second session of my lymphatic drainage massage earlier. I came home and decided to rest tonight. The cat was happy that I had a day spent at home, no walks or gym, just resting. He was curled up sharing my blanket with me. He decided to go lay on a seat by himself now. I am very tired at the moment due to insomnia. I put the heating on because it has gone so cold. I have nor been joined by my other cat. They seem to like the feel of my blanket. They have their own blanket in the cat basket … yet they want nine. That is a typical cat thing, I suppose. They seem to be the real owners of all my things. There are fireworks around tonight so they probably want to be in the same room as me away from the noises. I don’t mind. I am far too tired to move.

Emotional tiredness is draining!

I didn’t sleep during the night again but that is basically normal for me at this point. I am used to being that way. I probably won’t ever not be awake during the night. I had breakfast so, after posting here, I am going to try get a few hours sleep. I have to be somewhere by 1 this afternoon… I can sleep for a few hours. I came on here to talk about how emotionally drained and tired I constantly feel 24/7. I see every waking hour as a long drawn out hell of existence. I have got to the point when I am mentally a mess and so disorganised. I can’t not be damaged by things I have been through. The trauma constantly chips away at me. I get told that considering the things I went through, I deal with it all quite calmly and level headed most of the time. I don’t particularly have a choice. I have been punished every time I outwardly expressed any sort of trauma response, so I then started to never show it. I may no longer show it but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel the emotional strain of my experiences. I do and sometimes I can no longer function normally due to how draining that is for me. I take psychics words with a pinch of salt after I got conned by them. However, they did say that when my son was 10 the adopters would allow some form of contact. I am not holding out hope but he will be that age next year. That is something I hope happens but mentally and emotionally surviving on a daily basis is difficult. I am never not tired even when I have slept. I can’t hold out long term because I hate life passionately.