I wish I’d had more sleep and felt extremely down today.

I got up just in time for my tutorial despite not having much sleep. I only just made it for the set time. I was the only one that turned up to the tutorial. That meant I got a one to one session. That was kind of convenient for me due to this tutorial being with my assigned tutor. We did the planned tutorial and then got into the other issues relating to the course, including the fact that last night I looked at the module contents and just wanted to quit. I managed to persuade myself not to quit every time but I still have a hate for the subject regularly. Why do I put myself through it? I must have an inner part of myself that wants to make my life stressful.

I am now extremely tired but out for dinner until later. The housework was so difficult being that tired. I couldn’t leave it because it gets messy. I haven’t found the mouse from last night yet. I just feel extremely down at the moment. There is so much I would wish for my birthday. I will always want to be part of my son’s life. I would like to be friends with those that rejected me for things relating to my autism. I would like to stay in my home without having to move at the end of the contract. I won’t get those types of stabilities and predictable things for my birthday. I can only dream of a settled life long term. There’s nothing that I can do to ever be able to settle and be accepted by those I liked.

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