I wish I’d had more sleep and felt extremely down today.

I got up just in time for my tutorial despite not having much sleep. I only just made it for the set time. I was the only one that turned up to the tutorial. That meant I got a one to one session. That was kind of convenient for me due to this tutorial being with my assigned tutor. We did the planned tutorial and then got into the other issues relating to the course, including the fact that last night I looked at the module contents and just wanted to quit. I managed to persuade myself not to quit every time but I still have a hate for the subject regularly. Why do I put myself through it? I must have an inner part of myself that wants to make my life stressful.

I am now extremely tired but out for dinner until later. The housework was so difficult being that tired. I couldn’t leave it because it gets messy. I haven’t found the mouse from last night yet. I just feel extremely down at the moment. There is so much I would wish for my birthday. I will always want to be part of my son’s life. I would like to be friends with those that rejected me for things relating to my autism. I would like to stay in my home without having to move at the end of the contract. I won’t get those types of stabilities and predictable things for my birthday. I can only dream of a settled life long term. There’s nothing that I can do to ever be able to settle and be accepted by those I liked.

So much for being another year older, same sh*t, different day.

I am now officially 34. It has been the same sh*t, different day type vibe only a few hours into the actual date. The cats kidnapped a baby mouse from outside. Its under my bed as I couldn’t catch it because it ran away scared. It won’t survive long as its insides were hanging out. The bits looked like its intestines. The cats normally aren’t that brutal. They normally just scratch at them breaking the skin but never ripped out parts of any creature previously. That made me feel down because I hate when they do that to little animals. I just keep thinking of how much pain the mouse will be in before it finally passes away wherever its gone to hide.

In other aspects of the day…. I don’t get to chill out on my birthday this year due to our tutorial on 26th being changed to 24th. I have to attend, it’s only online so I literally don’t have to leave my home. I don’t book them for the weekends for a reason. I would rather do my uni modules during the week. I like to have my weekends to myself. I have insomnia at the moment anyway so I designate days to catch up with sleep. I also go the gym once during the weekends, normally on a Saturday when I’m not ill.