I had a long sleep because I’m absolutely worn out from the challenge of walking 10,000 steps, gym and studying my university module. I had my university stuff done by last night, spent more hours per day on it so that today and Friday are my time, apart from the daily 10,000 steps of course. I planned to sleep in today due to my insomnia being ridiculous at the moment. I have to work harder this year due to level 2 counting towards my final grade for degree. The reading material isn’t so daunting once you start going through it. I haven’t drank a fraction of the alcohol that I did the previous two weeks, there is no way that I can cold turkey straight away. That doesn’t work. I ended up bingeing and drinking more than ever. I have an addictive personality, that is the only way I can kick my bad habits.
I just saw a video on the murder of Alice Ruggles. She was murdered by her ex who stalked her before carrying out the act. There is hundreds of similar cases that have happened over the years with similar circumstances, only the worse cases end up reported. I am scared that I will be seen in the same light because of getting done for harassment and having a restraining order against me.
I have autism. I can be annoying and say some extremely pointed things when I take an issue with something. I am also a little weird … but I am certainly not a danger! The fault I had was not leaving things be. I was too persistent in what I wanted. I don’t have it in me to be a danger, the assumption goes with the autism label and mental illnesses. I can’t say that everyone with those conditions aren’t dangerous because I met some in the psychiatric unit who would be violent and unpredictable. I sometimes have visions of us that are labelled being rounded up under some new fangled public protection law enacted under the brexit revamp political shake up after they change the human rights laws here. I have experienced ableism at college in more recent years due to me being honest, instead of supporting me they made things more complicated as they didn’t want me there for health and safety reasons, behaviour contracts, telling me I had to lose my autism traits or get kicked out. I managed to get my GCSE’s despite the extra pressure. I fear the government becoming that way. I fear that other people will see me as a danger due to my autism traits and the effects of trauma on my behaviour, then not want to be near me. I will never have proper friends or a relationship if others intentionally try to keep their distance due to my ‘natural weirdness’. I won’t get any decent, none narcissistic types wanting to know me. I’m genuinely concerned that ignorance will get me judged the same way as those that stalked and murdered people.