Having a chilled day. That includes staying offline.

I was going to go to the gym but thought it would be best to rest after starting my new antidepressants. I’m doing the 10,000 steps challenge next month anyway so going to be quite active. I need to rest in preparation for that. I got a comment regarding my life being boring. That may be true but I’d rather it be that way than the conflict I have experienced every time I’ve tried to do anything in life. I end up fighting in courts and being asked to leave places due to my autism. If keeping my world boring avoids all that hassle and stress then that is what I prefer. I used to be up for battling all that but it wore me down after many years. There’s people that I would have loved to get to know but I no longer push the lets be friends thing to avoid being accused of things that fall under laws of how others perceive a person.

It’s an isolated existence but that is the only way I can protect myself from being dragged into some form of conflict or trouble. I probably won’t get people coming to me because certain circumstances in the way in which we met were too complicated. Most people have way too much personal stuff going on in their own lives to want to have more friends. They have their own circle which is something I don’t have but then that is kind of a choice because I would never have the energy to maintain those relationships. I just am never present because of my autism and a connection is never actually able to be made due to that barrier which past trauma has created. I can’t make social plans due to my anxiety making me cancel at the last minute. I was never this bad but repeated trauma builds up. I was a lot more resilient when I was younger. I say that I’m evil to make myself feel better about the things that have happened to me. I can accept things more if I believe that they happened to me because of being an evil person. If I see those things having happened to me due to my disability then it makes me feel weak and like I should have tried harder to fight back. Then I hate myself, I know that I fought back but my efforts weren’t ever going to be effective due to the face that autistic voices are ignored.

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