I’ve done a full day of an Open University conference on only 2 hours sleep.

I haven’t really taken anything in today because I only had 2 hours sleep. However, the fact that I managed to get a little bit of sleep and turn up is a miracle in itself. This isn’t like the evening sessions. 10am until 3pm, 3x 15 minutes break and one hour lunch break. I caught up with cleaning during the breaks. I don’t know why I bother vacuuming as there are already bits scattered over the floor due to cat litter etc. It was perfect before I went back on my laptop. I have gone on a walk despite being tired from only two hours sleep. It’s a nice day, it doesn’t seem like September. It will probably rain every single day of October when I agreed to do that 10,000 steps a day challenge, especially on the day of my birthday. We have had ok weather all year, its bound to go the other way soon, please wait until November! Something popped up about a cyclone on twitter earlier. Well, that will certainly add to that challenge. I was born on the week of the hurricane in the late 80s but a cyclone is a lot worse.

I think I’m outgrowing the blog.

I’m not sure if I am passed the age where blogging appeals to me any more. I used to love ’putting myself out there’ but I’ve felt more reserved the last few months. I don’t ’enjoy’ the blogging process like I used to. Its not just the fact that the views go to the influencers with a high number of followers and sponsorship deals for people like myself to get the exposure and views that we did before the influencer revolution took hold. In my view, you either join the crowd, or bow out gracefully knowing that you cannot compete.

I started blogging in my twenties, that was a decade ago. I’m just no longer feeling the drive now I’m in my 30’s. I will be 34 next month. I have more priorities than I did previously. I want to settle and have another child. I don’t want to do that in public view. There’s too much potential added unnecessary drama if I try to combine my private life and the blog. I might meet someone who doesn’t want to be featured on a blog, even if I don’t mention names. If I have any more children they may not want to be subjects on the blog. They can’t express that when they’re young but may wish to distance themselves from the autism side of things, especially if they don’t inherit any aspects of my autism.

The reason why I started blogging no longer applies, well it does but maturity has made me realise that I cannot control whether people like me or not. I thought that if I started a blog detailing who I was and what I was about as a person, then people wouldn’t assume I was weird and they wouldn’t shy away from me. I was explaining the autism which I thought would help me get friends as it directly addresses the elephant in the room. It made no difference because people have their own perceptions no matter how hard you try to present your point of view. I was naive when I was younger. I made a lot of mistakes because I wanted friends which did result in me becoming a weirdo. I’m not so much of a weirdo nowadays. I do not chase or measure my worth on whether other people like me. It doesn’t matter if I like someone. I act like I’m not bothered. I am done with crawling and begging to be liked by those I liked. I don’t need to prove that I am a good person. I don’t have to justify my existence or that I’m not weird. Other people cannot define you regardless of the gossip that they spread or the opinions that they express if you refuse to let them get under your skin. Say screw you and live your life without limitations. I would love to walk into karaoke at the bar I used to go to down south (its a long way to travel for a night out now I live 75 miles away) where I used to be in care and I know a lot of people judged me due to how I presented and say here I am now out of care, I went through hell after I left when I lost my son to adoption. Karma pinged back on me (I wasn’t completely innocent, I lied and was a complete a hole at times) but I bounced back despite ending up broken at times.