I’m failing so badly. I can’t do this tug-of-war anymore.

This week I have drank way too much alcohol and the other chemicals that are contained in WKD. I can’t stop. I don’t even want to stop. But, I know I have to if I don’t want the excess weight. I’ve been fighting both ends of it like a tug of war. I can’t do this anymore but I’m hooked. I don’t see how to get out of this loop. I can’t stop drinking for more than a few days. This week (well within 5 days) I went through a box of 10 and 2x 4 packs. That’s a total of 18 little bottles. That’s far too much! I can’t stop because the withdrawal effects are mentally too much. I hate myself for the excess weight and I’m constantly trying to burn it off and it’s a loosing battle if I’m drinking my body weight in those Alcopops. I’ve done two gym session over the past week and a long walk yesterday. I should be at least 5 lbs smaller by now after 4 weeks. I’ve undone it all. But I can’t stop. The void I’m filling is too empty if I stop drinking these things. The void is where I’m lacking love, I don’t want to be single any longer, or live a single life any longer; and my son not being in my life. I don’t want to feel empty. I hate myself every single time. I’m getting health problems, I can tell I’ve over done it as my lower back aches on one side. There is no help out there for me. The helplines or whatever cannot give me what I need to fill the void. I also don’t want to go out and be involved in anything any more. I don’t gain anything or anyone when I go out there. I just get stonewalled with ableism and rejected which adds to the damage that has already been caused by previous encounters. I also get driven to drink by my open university modules. I have to do the course so there is no way I can change that. I try to stop the drink and I’m nearly in tears. I just feel sad all the time. That is the bit I can’t deal with trying to get off the things I know are bad for me.