I am not going to hold back now.

I am currently feeling the chemicals of the alcohol leaving my body. I think that as I’m angry enough to be brutally honest about why I’m not happy, I can do it now because when my brain is detoxing I feel enough not to hold back. I don’t care about upsetting anyone. Why should I? They didn’t care what they did to me or how my life got ruined because of the notes they contributed towards. I only got into the pattern of drinking away the void that was left in my life due to these people. I don’t want to quit feeding that void with drink. The withdrawal effects make me angry and hate myself.

I simply cannot forgive any of you unless the injustice of having my son forcibly adopted is undone. People like me won’t have another chance at having children. They have free access to our future children if we don’t make the grade for their assessments. If people hadn’t shoved me into the system as a young person then I would have been able to make that grade. There wouldn’t have been any detrimental paperwork in the system to put my unborn son on a child protection plan in the first place. All that young person wanted was for someone to show them love and appreciate who they were as a person. Instead, you all pushed me away and got me labelled a criminal. Do you know how I felt in that court room when the label initially got stamped on me? I wondered what made me so evil that I was treated that way? Why did the people that I trusted let me be treated that way? I only ever wanted a friend. Then, when they were sending me away to a secure unit along way from home for having a form of autism? I felt like I was being sent away because I was hated by those that were part of my journey. I was never good enough to be deserving of love. The label and my diagnosis made sure that I never got the love and compassion I was crying out for my entire life. You soon learn that if you ever want to keep anything in your life, including people, or not attract abusers, sexual predators or other forms of users, you simply cannot disclose your diagnosis or even remotely be yourself. I went out there so many times being honest and just ended up suffering rejection.

2 thoughts on “I am not going to hold back now.

  1. I have adhd there is no empathy from nurotypical’s they can’t get their head around us I wish you well you just need to find an inner strength to carry on and I think you’ll cope reading this take care

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