I basically just got told that my blog (part of my work) is rubbish! That no one would be interested in it because it’s ‘depressing’. It is the reality that we have to live! However, society expects us to ‘put up’ and ‘shut up’. I’m saying that this reality is no longer okay. Whether we are writing what we have to go through or not. We are still living the reality. This reality cripples me emotionally. I won’t ‘put up’ and ‘shut up’ anymore! I work just as hard as anyone else but my work is never recognised and if it is … that is when it’s seen as negative and not worth acknowledging. I’m rightfully angry. I’m not happy with the life I’ve been forced to endure. I’m absolutely fed up with everything I’ve ever tried to do in my entire life never being good enough! I try so hard until I’m crying but nothing is never enough. The activism gone rogue within the actuallyautistic twitter community isn’t helping my set up. There are too many trouble makers giving those of us that are genuine a bad name. I work too hard to be dragged down by that crowd of idiots. I often wonder if people humor me when they tell me I’m a good writer and that my blog is good. That’s not the feedback that I get from those closer to me.
The most random things give me ideas for a blog entry. The storyline regarding Hope and the whatsapp group to get her expelled from school after the arson charge.
That made me think about labels. Maybe some of us are just born to be monsters. I was one of those weird kids (not physically dangerous like Hope’s character in Corrie). I wonder if that is basically my role in life. It’s not about being misunderstood, we are all given a role or a label by others in life. Whether we like it or not, maybe we are meant to struggle due to our karma or whatever. I have fought strongly against the various negative labels I was given. I still get seen in a certain way by others. Stalker, weirdo, freak, loner, loony to name but a few I’ve heard over the years. I grew up in a small area so we basically gave each other labels from a young age. That is why I refuse to become part of local friendship groups that are the equivalent to joining a pack of wolves. Those types will rip the shit out of anyone who they consider to be different. I’m also not cool enough to be part of them. I have told others with disabilities how to play the game against those types. Sorry, but absolutely not sorry. They shouldn’t have been taking the piss out of individuals if they didn’t want a reaction. I told this person exactly what to say back to them so that they wouldn’t dare decide to take the piss out of them again. Nowadays, no one starts with me because they know that I will take something personal and rip back into them. They don’t like it because its not nice, yet they constantly do that to others.
I don’t have the appropriate supports to be visibly autistic in my every day life. I have to deal with things on my own because discussing them means getting shouted at or aggressively told that I’m useless. I am financially struggling at the moment because when I was drinking a lot I spent without thinking. I will just get shouted at and be hit with a load of verbal aggression from my mum if I admit it. I barely have enough to get a deposit together to move anyway. I’m just going to end up stuck back living with mum, even with the stuff that I have to put up with is better than being homeless. I will probably get a load of put downs about my weight. I can’t change that, now I am going the gym I still remain dumpy. Then I get had a go at that I sleep most of the day a lot. Tell me who would want to be awake in a life where you get put down for who you are?
I don’t have a donation button on the blog but I definitely should because the running costs of the domain name, marketing campaigns etc adds up. This is technically my work. I spend many hours doing behind the scenes work for free. I do this stuff because I’m passionate and knowledgeable in the areas that I cover. The leaders of bigger organisations could easily afford to give me donations towards the blog running costs. I cannot take down the domain name now that I am established. That is also what makes me stand out from other wordpress blogs. There are so many places that won’t promote what they perceive as a personal blog. That is why I have to rely on marketing campaigns and social media (the latter doesn’t really bring new visitors only returning nowadays).