I made a decision I know won’t be well received.

I have loosely discussed this with a few people giving them no clue that it was for my own personal use. I didn’t want others to attempt to talk me out of this decision. I’m making it for me… no one else is in charge of my body. I’m done with being on antidepressants and am going to cut down my medication until I’m on nothing whatsoever. That won’t take long because I’m only on half a tablet. I’m making this decision because for once in my life I’m feeling stuff for the first time in many years when I don’t take them. I no longer have that lingering brain fog that gets in the way of university academic work and other technical tasks that are controlled by your brain. I haven’t been medication free since my mid teens. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to actually feel normal but now I can feel all the things that antidepressants block out… that is how I want to stay! I don’t feel like there is a box around me and the world. I can metaphorically touch the world feeling all the sensory input again. There is no static or blocks. If it’s all that clear now, imagine what it will be like after I’ve came off of them completely.

There is no treatment for autism. There are only medications to treat the effects of the ableism that we experience. That’s a road you don’t want to go down because you’ll end up trying to silence the pain of what society has done to us with other substances … like alcohol. There comes a point when you have to pull yourself away from all those things and accept that ableism isn’t going to be fixed by individuals being medicated to make what happened to them less painful. We cannot avoid the aftermath of the effects on our mind after those things happen to us. We won’t ever process them and move on if the medication numbs us to those things. Life is too short to be on medication that is a result of ableism. That was made apparent when I woke up to the news that girls aloud singer, Sarah Harding, passed away at 39 (not much older than me) from cancer. I don’t want to stay on medication. Life is too short to not go for the options that suit you better.

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