I made a decision I know won’t be well received.

I have loosely discussed this with a few people giving them no clue that it was for my own personal use. I didn’t want others to attempt to talk me out of this decision. I’m making it for me… no one else is in charge of my body. I’m done with being on antidepressants and am going to cut down my medication until I’m on nothing whatsoever. That won’t take long because I’m only on half a tablet. I’m making this decision because for once in my life I’m feeling stuff for the first time in many years when I don’t take them. I no longer have that lingering brain fog that gets in the way of university academic work and other technical tasks that are controlled by your brain. I haven’t been medication free since my mid teens. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to actually feel normal but now I can feel all the things that antidepressants block out… that is how I want to stay! I don’t feel like there is a box around me and the world. I can metaphorically touch the world feeling all the sensory input again. There is no static or blocks. If it’s all that clear now, imagine what it will be like after I’ve came off of them completely.

There is no treatment for autism. There are only medications to treat the effects of the ableism that we experience. That’s a road you don’t want to go down because you’ll end up trying to silence the pain of what society has done to us with other substances … like alcohol. There comes a point when you have to pull yourself away from all those things and accept that ableism isn’t going to be fixed by individuals being medicated to make what happened to them less painful. We cannot avoid the aftermath of the effects on our mind after those things happen to us. We won’t ever process them and move on if the medication numbs us to those things. Life is too short to be on medication that is a result of ableism. That was made apparent when I woke up to the news that girls aloud singer, Sarah Harding, passed away at 39 (not much older than me) from cancer. I don’t want to stay on medication. Life is too short to not go for the options that suit you better.

We have no evidence… apart from memories

I cannot start a legal case against what happened to me growing up which resulted of in the negative labels, the ones that have ruined my life. I have no evidence to prove I shouldn’t have been labelled a criminal. The way the harassment laws are written means it’s basically how the other party sees someone’s behaviour. Also, people can use it against someone if they simply don’t want to discuss an issue (professionals do this a lot when they’re involved in disputes). Some people even use these laws to end a relationship, when they have exes that don’t want to be an ex. I have my memories of all the things that happened when I was a teenager and how I got treated. That isn’t enough though. In law, my diagnosis of Asperger syndrome means I’m not seen as a proper witness. I am told that my memory cannot be relied upon. There won’t be anyone around now who can possibly remember details to come forward to back up my accounts. The attitudes, stigma was strong when I was growing up. It’s still not great now but autism wasn’t even a thing that was widely diagnosed or known about compared to the way it is today. You’ll always get prejudice and judgment when it comes to autism but the services had dark age attitudes even worse when I was at that age.

It isn’t so easy for an autistic person to be labelled a criminal now. There are a little more legal defences nowadays, not a lot or enough but it’s less easy. I was labelled back in the early 2000s. Then once I had that label and got sent away, was subjected to professionals constantly writing about me as it part of the monitoring while in care. It doesn’t mean those looking after you in the residential home are truthful or write details of things that occur correctly. Some of them took a disliking to me anyway due to the fact I was the most ‘normal’ service user. I was trapped in an abnormal environment and went out to college and nights out with another resident. I rebelled a lot as I was still twenty something. You can’t do that in that environment though. I had my dads car (inherited it) for at least a year before I moved out into a flat. That kind of thing had never previously been done before. It’s difficult when you don’t stay between the lines expected by society. I don’t know how I’m going to get the paperwork off of the local authority (county) because they kept refusing to have a meeting about me being left on the section 117 aftercare clause but not providing me with services … yet refuse to take me off the clause. Legally, being on or off that clause affects me. That is the last part of the whole sectioning process. I shouldn’t be left on it if I’m no longer being provided with support. I’m probably still being monitored because that clause gives them an excuse to pry. I have paid for everything bad I may have done when I was younger. I deserve to be free after nearly 14 years since being sectioned at the age of 18. I’m not going to get rid of my autism but I shouldn’t have my privacy and life interfered with when I tried to have children (which is infringing on my right to family life). I have been punished for my autism long enough.