Mainstream media always features the do gooders within our system that are part of the problem. I’m never on the right side despite fighting for positive changes. Those who have propped up the systems wrongdoings (maybe ignorantly but it doesn’t matter for this particular point) are the ones praised. Even if I’m doing something positive it’s always turned around because I’m refusing to be part of the system which have inadvertently destroyed lives (including my own) and I also cannot be part of that system because of my labels, such as the record I was given. I hate how both sides point blank refuse to work together. I don’t particularly want to get both sides linked together to reform the system. I would rather spit on certain people I’ve come across… I have done certain things because I know that there is no other way to push for reform. Unfortunately you have to be part of the system, even joined to it in our case. The only way to change attitudes and promote changes over a long term basis, so that it’s moulded into something a lot kinder than it is right now, is to work together. No disputes, no arguments over who is wrong or right. They are all negative things that won’t result in what is needed. I understand why there is so much hate and sometimes fear within the current system. I feel upset, hurt and angry about my situation. I cannot do the things needed if people are constantly feeding the system with negative emotions. If anyone knows anything about the law of attraction, spiritual rule that negative feeds negative outcomes. If you’re going to carry bitterness and hate into the goal of changing the system long term then it just won’t work. We may as well quit right now if everyone has a wall up against each other for whatever reason. Most people are older than me fighting for these changes. Yes, life has probably treated you like absolute crap but that is all the remainder of your lives is going to be if you don’t quit acting childish and technically keep your enemies close. The system and the people who work for it are the enemies because they caused our pain. You have to use your anger and convert it to be your drive to force common ground to mould the system if necessary. I feel like my life constantly revolves around damage control and stopping people trying to take each other down. Your anger is wasted and causes law of attraction problems. We can’t have that if you’re going to be involved in moulding our current system by working with those people we have good reason to hate. Look at what I’ve been through. I have so many reasons to have an negative attitude towards working with the system to modify it. We certainly can’t do anything about the stuff that has happened and continues to happen unless we loosely join forces. I’m definitely not saying we have to fake being nice, just don’t let yourself feel hatred while we’re trying to do this.
I finally managed to get online today. It’s been a nightmare since the time I got up. I have spent most of the day trying to track down my parcel that yodel told me had been delivered but… it hadn’t! I eventually found out it was still out for delivery and I was on their list of deliveries for today. I then couldn’t be somewhere else until too late for the plans I had on originally today. The council have been a waste of time which I assumed that they would be. I’m on the housing list but low priority because I have ‘no medical or welfare needs’ and my tenancy is ‘secure’. Fair dos, the tenancy is technically secure until April. However, I handed them proof of my medical diagnoses from my medical records. And, what has happened to councils obligations under the autism 2009 act? I have 14 days to appeal. The date of the letter was 31st august which means I only have 12 days left. I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. I’m fed up of constant hassle. The only reason I got my benefits back after the changes a few years ago was to take it to tribunal level. You have to do the internal appeals but they don’t work.
Along the lines of legal stuff. I have looked through the Tort textbook I have been sent for my course materials. It looks like I can’t get justice. You have to take legal action within 6 years. It’s not fair but there isn’t a legal route available. I don’t know how I’m going to ‘move on’. I’m still angry about being labelled and my life being ruined but they’ll all never pay for what they did. I’m now scared of people which means I will never be able to rebuild my life, be in a relationship, have children. I deny that I want that because it’s painful. I don’t hurt when others are having children and being ‘happy’. It honestly stabs me like a knife. I know that how I was labelled basically got my only child adopted. The fact that the people who labelled me will never pay is the worse part at this point. I beat myself up emotionally every day for letting it all happen. In all those cases I was at least a decade younger and extremely naive. I know that I can’t help the fact that I was that way but I still hate my former self now. I need justice but I’m never going to get it until I’ve managed to establish a life. The one I have now isn’t a life. It’s an existence after everything that happened. I’m not naive anymore. I don’t believe that kindness exists because it doesn’t happen to me. I must be a monster to never receive forms of kindness by others. I must deserve this in some kind of karma payback. I must have an evil soul or something. Maybe I should just give up ever hoping for a better life. I always used to hope that my future would be different but everything I tried to do to make a new life got ruined by the labels. I don’t believe in miracles either because I have asked for them (all that Wiccan new moon stuff) and never got it.