Don’t exclude me, BBC 2 – 9pm Thursday, weekly from tonight.

I was saying that I was having a break today but then something comes on the television that I want to talk about on here. There has to be a reason why more children are being excluded from school nowadays. I’m shocked that primary aged children are getting excluded. I don’t remember that happening when I was at school. I also don’t recall many children at secondary school being excluded either. I was but not until later secondary school years due to my autism related behaviours. Then it continued until basically when I left school. I was suspected as autistic but not officially diagnosed. I didn’t like school because I was picked on and always knew that I was different. I suppose that how I was labelled did become how I see myself. I do have a wall up due to how I was treated growing up. It is important that the children with behaviour problems aren’t damaged by how their treated due to their problems. Those issues are going to be with them for the rest of their lives. Those labels stay with them for the rest of the lives too.

Having a chilled day. That includes staying offline.

I was going to go to the gym but thought it would be best to rest after starting my new antidepressants. I’m doing the 10,000 steps challenge next month anyway so going to be quite active. I need to rest in preparation for that. I got a comment regarding my life being boring. That may be true but I’d rather it be that way than the conflict I have experienced every time I’ve tried to do anything in life. I end up fighting in courts and being asked to leave places due to my autism. If keeping my world boring avoids all that hassle and stress then that is what I prefer. I used to be up for battling all that but it wore me down after many years. There’s people that I would have loved to get to know but I no longer push the lets be friends thing to avoid being accused of things that fall under laws of how others perceive a person.

It’s an isolated existence but that is the only way I can protect myself from being dragged into some form of conflict or trouble. I probably won’t get people coming to me because certain circumstances in the way in which we met were too complicated. Most people have way too much personal stuff going on in their own lives to want to have more friends. They have their own circle which is something I don’t have but then that is kind of a choice because I would never have the energy to maintain those relationships. I just am never present because of my autism and a connection is never actually able to be made due to that barrier which past trauma has created. I can’t make social plans due to my anxiety making me cancel at the last minute. I was never this bad but repeated trauma builds up. I was a lot more resilient when I was younger. I say that I’m evil to make myself feel better about the things that have happened to me. I can accept things more if I believe that they happened to me because of being an evil person. If I see those things having happened to me due to my disability then it makes me feel weak and like I should have tried harder to fight back. Then I hate myself, I know that I fought back but my efforts weren’t ever going to be effective due to the face that autistic voices are ignored.

Finally managed to sort things out.

I managed to get the medication sorted. I’m back on one that I know suits me and I know doesn’t cause weight issues. I need to ring up in 6 weeks time to book a medication review because they can’t prebook on the computer that far yet. I’m used to sleeping issues but she referred me to the sleep station thing. I’m autistic, thats one of those things which comes with the condition. Hopefully my appetite goes back to what is normal for me now. I am hungry because I haven’t eaten all day. I probably will feel too sick to eat tomorrow due to side effects of the antidepressants I’m going on (common when you first start them).

I got up, did a few bits and we out to get medication before the local pharmacy closed. I couldn’t go until later to make sure that it was authorised to be picked up. I had to put cat food down and take the bin out but everything else can wait until after I’ve done a walk. I can’t go the Gym tonight due to the muscles in my back kicking off. I also lost my taste a little, everything tastes tangy to me when I eat sweet stuff. I was given two covid test kits with my medication so I can find out if I have it. I have a cold but hoping it isn’t anything else. I had people telling me that I was getting old because apparently your back always plays up and your taste buds no longer like sweet things. Thanks a lot, i’m only nearly 34.

I’m not a liar and if you want the truth … here it is.

Someone in a local group commented that my blog was full of lies. Well, that’s not true but if you want the truth completely then I won’t hold back. I am actually an evil person, even as a child. I was technically born surrounded by darkness, that is where I feel at home. Do gooders make me sick and I view the bad things in this life meant to be. I can’t bring myself to care about another person. I was born totally void of feelings. I am not caring or kind because I literally never developed those skills. I’m just a shell who probably is purely flesh without a soul.

I need a proper medication review but…

I was okay until it came to needing to change medication due to worsening insomnia. The GP has put me on mirtazapine. I knew within the first few days it wasn’t suiting me. I rang up and got told to leave it another week. I’ve left it for two weeks now. I cannot stand how it makes me feel any longer! I constantly feel agitated despite taking one every few nights (gradually reducing them so its easier to swap medications to something that suits me better), feeling more crap today because on the nights I don’t take them I barely sleep.

I can’t get to see a doctor face to face, the best I have been offered is a phone appointment due to a cancellation tomorrow morning. I normally have to wait 2 weeks for a phone appointment. The mental health team refused any referrals in the past telling me that due to the diagnosis of autism they didn’t think that their involvement was appropriate. That was way before the pandemic, so certainly they won’t be taking anything but new patients now that have presented with issues due to the pandemic effects. I don’t know why they don’t just prescribe zopiclone nowadays, they work perfectly for sleep. There’s no side effects and I never was uncontrollably hungry on them or agitated. I need a proper review rather than being just left. People have died due to the GP’s not letting patients have face to face appointments. There’s lots of mentally ill patients ended up in A & E because their medication or related issues aren’t being monitored. Then they still get fobbed off or sectioned depending on how they present. Most get fobbed off under that new scheme the NHS has just started in many of it’s trusts.I’m not sure what it is called but saw it circulated around the mental health community a few months ago. It basically denies long term users care using some kind of structure, basically using excuses to deny a patient care and in some cases pass them over to police etc.