I hate myself now. /spooky stuff happened again.

Medication is suppose to help someone feel better. I just feel worse when it constantly makes me hungry. Then, even if I go the gym, I end up getting fat. I don’t want my body in a constant stressed state because that attracts weight gain. I’ve lowered the dose tonight to see if I can stop my constant hunger side effects. I naturally have never eaten as much as the average person which is why I used to be slimmer on some medication which didn’t have the over eating side effects. I ate a proper dinner, 8 slices of bread and 4 packet of crisps this evening. I can’t continue doing that so I had to put the dose down tonight. The medication tablets can be broken in half which is 7.5mg. I am just too hungry on 15mg. I’m feeling complete hate toward myself for undoing my work at the gym. I’m sure every bit of carbs I just ate will go into building muscles which burns fat so all hope isn’t lost long term. I just feel like such a failure. If I count the sandwich I had at lunch time I’ve actually consumed 12 slices of bread in total today. I don’t even feel sick which logically I should after eating that much. I hold my hands up to still drinking a reduced amount of alcohol but that’s a huge reduction to the last couple of weeks. It’s not easy to just cut it out completely when you’re used to drinking. I have been buying the small packs so that I don’t overdo consuming alcohol. It’s nice to relax but drinking isn’t really me. I gain too much weight even touching alcohol.

You know how I said the light kept going out like the bulb had gone but it started working again. It’s worked as normal since. The spooky stuff doesn’t end there. I’ve had my phone handset keep going on and off tonight. It makes a beep noise when you put the handset down. It kept doing that noise like someone was repeatedly lifting it on and off the contacts. That wasn’t long ago. I was quite scared. I’m sure that someone who has passed over would do that to say hello or something. I’d prefer them not to as I get frightened. It happened a few years ago. It hasn’t happened since but I don’t want that happening. If anyone on the other side wants to communicate I’d prefer they do it via dreams. That doesn’t frighten me.

I’m so fed up of other peoples assumptions!

I’m at the gym while typing this entry so it’s going to not be very long. I’m also illustrating that I’m not lazy. I’m exercising with my legs and typing with my hands. Surely this means I’m burning more calories??? Well, back to what I came on to talk about on here. It never ends well when I end up in local group discussions. I have taken a comment to heart that I feel I must write an entry on. I don’t like this negative attitude towards people who don’t work for whatever reason. Yes, there are others that do work with various health issues. Autism was the thing that came up in this conversation. Their ‘friends autistics kids’ work. That doesn’t mean every person who is autistic can work. I could probably a percentage of the time but then if something happens which results in me getting asked to leave or my energy levels drop to the point I literally can’t get out of bed… it’s a stressful task to get benefits back as you have to be medically signed off sick by a doctor etc. Sounds easy enough, but in our system it can be extremely difficult and in my case that could be a never ending circle as I’m not provided with the appropriate support. I struggle in every day life not working. I simply carry on because I have to do so. I can reduce socialising to an absolute minimum but things need doing so I can’t avoid that aspect of life completely. I can’t trust people after what they’ve done to me. I have a slight phobia… which sounds ridiculous but if I explain what I’ve been through it makes sense.

Actually got things done… I know that’s rare.

I’m actually getting things done now that I’m able to get up during the day. It has felt like a long time since I’ve been able to function this way. The new medication is helping me sleep properly. I didn’t get to sleep until later last night but still woke up by 9 am. It was noisy around here as the council were cutting the grass. I had my alarm set for 10. I’m not properly up yet because I could do a few things while I was still in bed on my phone. I sent the statement to the council which they had requested and it says on my account that all documents are there and my application is waiting to be assessed by a housing officer. That could take many weeks. I will ring them at some point but they probably can’t tell me anything yet until my application is officially assessed. I’m off to the gym again today now that I’ve finally recovered from my first session. It took a whole week! I’m probably not going to do so much this time. It’s ok to not do so much and go more regularly (that makes the subscription cost worth it). I’m will properly be complaining about aching tomorrow. That doesn’t go away for a while when you start going the gym. I am not the best at easing myself into things. I like to dive in head first which normally kicks back at me. I’m never going to enjoy the gym but I’m hoping to make that not matter if I’m losing weight.