Day: August 28, 2021

I didn’t buy any more alcohol because after consuming 22 little bottles over 5 evenings (bought a pack of 10 on Monday / 12 on Thursday) … 31 units in total. I can’t go near it again because I end up drinking too much. Women are only supposed to drink 14 units over 7 days. I won’t get fit and have a decent looking body if I keep on drinking alcohol. That may also be why I’m aching, not just from the gym. The withdrawal effects aren’t pleasant. I’m getting the extremely depressed part of the process at the moment. I took my medication and went to bed early. It’s better to sleep through the worse of it. I’m just getting agitated with everything too. It’s less stressful being asleep during the withdrawal process.

I’m fed up of basically working for free. The work I do is the type of things that others get paid to do. I’ve been working for free freelance for over 9 years now. I don’t want to put myself out there for nothing. I may be trying to change attitudes and challenge prejudice but that isn’t worth the potential humiliation I have to put myself through to get others to listen. I would be happy even being paid a small amount for my efforts. I’m not keen on charging for writing things and doing promotion but I deserve so much more than this as a person. I’ve been through too much to not be paid back in something positive. It feels like the same every day. I want to move up the ladder in regards to being a writer and mental health/ autism activism.

I’m basically saying that I’m not worth anything by working for free. I’m not teaching the world that autistic people and those with mental health issues are worth something if I don’t demand payment so that my lifestyle is better. Some writers and those in the media earn enough to buy their own homes etc. I put up with more hassle than a lot of those people because I don’t have people to go deal with every day issues regarding management of social media accounts etc. It’s not like I haven’t earned my place enough to be enjoying the money and perks of this type of industry. I’ve had so many people tell me I have the writing talent but I’m not getting any further in that department. That is due to the stigma, I have the talent but I’m not worth investing in by publishers etc because of being autistic and other aspects of me as a person.

I probably will get told to stop being ungrateful by women who don’t get constant male attention online. I don’t know what the hell is going on at the moment. I was nice to the first half a dozen that added me but it’s too much now. I’m no longer under the influence of alcohol so not friendly with strangers. Different account are constantly adding me. I’m not accepting any more and if I get any more messages I will be just blocking them. Some of the messages have been those types that are sexual photos. The person that sent me that was speaking to me in Arabic. I told him no and he shut up so he must understand bits of English. This is the same reason I don’t go out at night or to music events because this kind of harassment happens offline too. I swear it’s got worse in recent years. You’ve got rid of one and then several more appear. I don’t dress to impress men. I dress for me in my own style. I’m not being racist here. I’m friends with Asians and black people. The type of guys that are always hassling us have foreign accents and occasionally the lonely odd ball type of white guys. I’m friendly but you have to realise that you simply cannot make someone like you, especially women. I have tried and failed many times. We are more complex than men. We won’t grow to like you due to a tiny bit of physical attractiveness. It’s much deeper to get us to fall in love. It will take someone really amazing for me to ever completely fall in love. And, you have to be ok on your own first before you can ever be with another. I’m happy being single and ok with that but don’t want to change that. I’m not rushing to get married or have any more children. Even if the challenges to do with my autism wasn’t there I’d be still happy with that decision. You may want to be with certain others but believe me once they’ve said they don’t like you then you’re not going to change their minds. You may pine over them for years that won’t mean anything to them and they won’t pity you enough to go out with you.

I have got into the drinking huge amounts of alcohol every evening pattern again. I should stop but I don’t want to quit. It’s doing me no good and I end up feeling awful but I just like the way it makes me forget how unsatisfactory my life is to me. I don’t feel bothered by anything when I drink alcohol. I don’t even like the taste of it. I drink it to forget that my son isn’t growing up with me. I don’t have to be satisfied with my life if I’m drunk or at least half drunk. I don’t have anything to stay sober for…. Single means I have no one who cares whether I stay sober or not. My son doesn’t even remember I exist. I don’t see a point in kicking alcohol completely. There’s no one to quit alcohol for. I just want to block everything out. The harsh reality of my life etc. I know others have it worse but I can’t stand the injustice that I’ve had to endure. I shouldn’t have lost my son to adoption but I did because of our corrupt system that is stacked against people with disabilities like myself. I’m living a life that I shouldn’t be because of the awful system. I cannot stand injustice. It infuriates me. I don’t know how others can stand there watching these injustices and not try to do something.