The guilt is crushing me this morning!

I still always get the feeling that I technically threw my son away when he was born. There were more times I didn’t want him than wanting him shortly after he was born. That is so cruel. I feel so bad for resenting him at times. Part of me was even relieved when he first went into care. I was able to not have to look after him all the time apart from a few hours every weekday at the contact centre. It gave me a much needed break while he was in foster care. I hate myself for being that way because it’s like I thought of him as a burden. I let him be taken away from all he had known for the first 8 weeks of his life. And for what? All because 24/7 responsibilities was too much… the only reason I said stupid things was due to every aspect of the situation getting to me. I didn’t deserve to lose him for good and he must have felt lost being placed with a foster carer and then the adopters. I can’t handle what I’ve done. The guilt is just destroying me as the years go on. I hate myself when I look in the mirror every day. None of it should have happened but it’s all my fault for getting stressed at the situation.