Day: August 12, 2021

Yes, I failed again. I even got up by one this afternoon, put out all my clothes and prepared myself to get up. That didn’t happen because I got comfortable again and then fell asleep. I’m fed up of being like this but just trying to fight it is a battle. The fact that my own head tries to trick me makes it ten times harder. I fell asleep and then my dreams started simulating as if I was awake doing my daily life. I only woke up when random things started to occur in my dream that isn’t my every day life. I woke up and realised it was now the evening and I’d slept most of the day.

I still always get the feeling that I technically threw my son away when he was born. There were more times I didn’t want him than wanting him shortly after he was born. That is so cruel. I feel so bad for resenting him at times. Part of me was even relieved when he first went into care. I was able to not have to look after him all the time apart from a few hours every weekday at the contact centre. It gave me a much needed break while he was in foster care. I hate myself for being that way because it’s like I thought of him as a burden. I let him be taken away from all he had known for the first 8 weeks of his life. And for what? All because 24/7 responsibilities was too much… the only reason I said stupid things was due to every aspect of the situation getting to me. I didn’t deserve to lose him for good and he must have felt lost being placed with a foster carer and then the adopters. I can’t handle what I’ve done. The guilt is just destroying me as the years go on. I hate myself when I look in the mirror every day. None of it should have happened but it’s all my fault for getting stressed at the situation.