Well, today just went back to the usual pattern.

The effect I went to in order to flip my sleep pattern didn’t work. I thought screw it and went back to sleep. I know that I’m never going to lose anymore weight if I stay in bed. I just don’t particularly care. I’d love to be a few stone lighter again but I don’t have it in me to make the required effort any longer. I’m too tired to care about weight gain. I’m not huge. I’m bigger than I used to be but I’m not the size of an elephant. However, skinny culture has come back around now that lockdown has finished. The celebrities are selling that skinny no boobs look again. Even the likes of Lily Allen, that is disappointing to those that used to be her fans out here. The way she used to be and didn’t give a crap about how skinny the industry said they should be. I was also always skinnier than her which is something that makes me feel worse. I understand the jealousy that girls bigger than me used to direct at me now that I’m on the larger side. I used to tell them to grow up and get over their insecurities. It’s not insecurities though, it’s proper screw you jealousy. It’s not a good place to be but unavoidable. Maturity does help snap out that mode though. I’m only 33, I’m keeping this side of me for motivation to lose weight at this point. I’m extremely naturally competitive in any area of life. I may not win at anything but I will give it all I have to get progress in whatever. That is also a reasons why other women don’t like being my friend. I make sure that I’m the prettiest or the one with the extra edge when I go out! I’m not entitled, I believe that if you want anything in life you have to make the required effort or even extra! People take it personally. News flash, I owe no one anything… not after the way I got treated growing up. I’m not being mean. I used to do many things but when I needed something no one was ever there for me. That only happens if you’re popular or well liked. That was never me and probably never will be due to my autism etc. The effort isn’t worth it.