I can’t be repaired. And, the wrongs can never be fixed.

I say that I’m over what happened with my sons ‘forced’ adoption… enough to consider having another child hoping that the next time works out. I’m not ever fully going to be repaired though. I’m still half too scared to have another baby in case I’m picked on by the uk authorities again. Then there is a part of me that feels like I’ve had a part of me ripped out. I won’t ever get to fill that emptiness. That would only be repaired if all that happened could be reversed. That’s never going to happen. That means I’m stuck with an emptiness full of sadness (regardless how much I try to be happy in the present) and forever feeling lost. I’m not where I belong. I’m stuck in the void of drifting for the rest of my life. Even if my son does find me as an adult, that feeling isn’t going to go away. It’s the trauma of having my son snatched by a system that refused to support me. They didn’t take into account that I hadn’t had a baby before. Professionals involved in the case made me out to be unstable and incapable, even throwing in that I was manipulative, to get a care and placement order. Once he was placed they knew the adoption order was just a procedure to legalise what they’d done. I feel the damage they did to me every single day of my life since that happened. It’s like being metaphorically constantly stabbed with a knife both mentally and emotionally. It’s not just a one time cruel event. The memories from that time constantly traumatise you every single day. You can’t not think about it. I’m connected with my son wherever he is … so I still feel him. That isn’t something I can block out. He won’t even remember me because I haven’t seen him since the last contact session when he was 14 months old. That is emotionally painful. It’s like I don’t even exist in his mind. I’m as good as a stranger to him.

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