Depression is bad again. I haven’t been out the door in two days.

It is quite rare that I don’t go out for a few days. I haven’t even been for a walk. I’m depressed and all I want to do is sleep. I cannot function against the ableism that exists in the outside world. It has always been there but I wasn’t worn down enough feel it as a form of trauma. I was so much happier when I was unaware and innocent minded. Ignorance is a major comfort. Once I lost that aspect of my autism, my inner defence shield was no longer there. Yes, I probably need to at least go for a walk to feel better but my brain says no today. I feel too weighed down to walk. I constantly want sleep. I just couldn’t walk out my front door today. It’s like having chains keeping me inside. I imagine the world outside and I just feel overwhelmed. I know that some autistic people have got agoraphobic as they’ve got older. I’ve never been afraid of going out but I’m now getting older. Lockdown made me comfortable about not going out. Then I got to the point where I thought why go out when I’m much more comfortable not being out? That’s why I get my food shop delivered every so often. I get everything to my door without stressing myself out going into the outside world.

Author: Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert

A blog written by a female diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome but suspected PDA in more recent years. Musings of a Trainee Battleaxe was created to not only create awareness of the PDA part of the spectrum; but also to educate the public hopefully creating understanding in order to stop future generations being let down and labelled negatively. Disclaimer: There may be parts of this blog which viewers may find upsetting as it contains accounts of real life events which have been quite traumatic. However, it is all to help create a sense of understanding and combat the fear surrounding all aspects of mental illness and Pathological Avoidance Syndrome (a very little understood part of the autistic spectrum).

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