I wish that I functioned normally…

I have been picking my skin because I am frustrated that I slept during the day and now can’t sleep at night again… jeez this pattern is annoying! I try to stay awake during the day but then the wave of tiredness hits and I fall asleep. The challenge of being anxious/excited at the same time is quite irritating. I can’t wait for my plans to come into reality, but at the same time, spending a night at a hotel (a supposedly haunted one) and doing what is required to get to that point is making me extremely anxious. I knew the hotel was haunted which isn’t something that particularly bothers me if I’m on my own. Anyway, if I get spooked (for instance, the grey lady that is supposed to haunt the place randomly pops through our room wall), regardless of the time of night, I’m prepared to sleep in the car. Part of me is intrigued to see if the blood stains on the ceiling is really a thing.

However, I’m still reluctant to be put in that suite where the rooms are said to be haunted. That isn’t the goal of the trip. It’s mutual ground which is safe for myself and the other person to carry out the plan. Part of me really doesn’t like certain things involved but nothing in life comes easy. Then I worry now that I’ve put my name out there. People know me (or they think that they do just because they know my name and read the blog). The staff at the hotel may read the blog by chance and this is potentially infringement of my privacy. I’m sure they won’t gossip but you never know… small area and all that. I don’t care what people think. I just don’t want others to know who my friends are offline after previous experiences. And, above all, I do not want people telling me what decisions I should and should not be making. If I haven’t asked for your opinion then it’s not your place to comment. I cannot sit back and not do anything in life just because it crumbled beneath me when I had my first child nearly ten years ago. I’m not the same person now. I may still be a little bit naive but I’ve grown a lot through the pain of losing my son etc.

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